You know, this morning I took my car in to get fixed. Something I’ve been putting off for weeks because I couldn’t physically do it. And I waited. I waited about three hours give or take. I recorded about 17 different voice messages while I waited. Listened back. Thought I’d go ahead and do it. And I think the true hesitation was that I’ve learned there’s no place left for any of it to be heard. That that was it. I’m not able to withstand if it happened to fall on deaf ears. I’m not. It’s no secret. I’m not.
I found a place outside to sit. 73 today. Breezy. Beautiful. Been a while since any sunlight has touched me. And I started noticing a lot of things. Things I’d missed. Started thinking about a lot of things.
I noticed the dragonflies were out again. Like they felt it was finally time. After the nice weather…then more rain and cold. Then nice again. Back and forth. That confusion. They’re out now. Until their time is up. And I noticed our roses finally bloomed. And I’d missed it. I had no idea. Again, they figured it was time.
And I thought about some things. I’ve had a couple pages here now. A thousand or more people who bothered to follow at some point in time. A handful good friends. Ones that were objective. Pulled for me and knew me. Didn’t want anything. People I’ve known for a year and a half. And supported. In the end, I became nothing. Just threads. After all that time. I went out with a whimper and grasping at nothing. Dust in the wind, as it were. Something I’m learning to accept being. I never needed to be judged for the hurt I was feeling. Never. And I was. Just judgment. Judgment disguised as help. Caring. Just embarrassment. There were only two people involved in my upset. Only two of us who knew the true ins and outs. I didn’t want to defend against judgment. And I could feel other people looking away from me. I saw them cover their eyes. Walking away. Only embarrassed for me. So, you better believe that now I know. And I’ll be here and this is where I’ll stay. Cause I know what I believe, what I see, how I feel and what I want to say. That’s me. Not all that other shit and mess. I know what I want.
It’s coming up on two years now that I’ve been nothing but someone’s transition. A transition from something. To something. From someone, to someone. And I don’t like it. It’s not what I want to be. It isn’t what I wanted. Being a transition can be a lovely thing. If it stays. If you help. If you heal. If you encourage. If you find a home there. If it stays. But, by very definition…a transition is only leading you elsewhere. And it always seems to lead elsewhere. Away from me.
I found myself real angry at a lot of friends and family and angry at a lot of things. And I had a couple realizations. One was that being angry drives me, in particular, to self-hatred. And I knew that. I’m no good at it. I’ve always known that. I was letting myself die. Only a pathetic shell left. Whenever I felt hurt this bad in the past…I was drinking. It covered all that up. But I’m thankful in a way. Because it kept the anger away. It came with it’s own problems. But I didn’t feel mad. Or hurt. And it helped me to ignore the depression that’d been lurking then. I refuse to ever go back to that, so I headed into this storm on my own. With no tools to cover up what was about to happen. And I’ve never done that before. Hopefully I’ll be better for it in the future.
I lost my best friend last month. I lost a lot. But that was the big one. The game changer. The every day. And I’m choosing to look at it like this. I wasn’t good enough. Not then. But something I know now too is exactly what perfect feels like. What it is. And that I won’t ever settle for feeling anything less having found what that is finally. So until I’m enough, till I’m better, till I can trust fully with good reason, till I’m righted again, I’ll take my cues from the dragonflies.
“Not Fade Away” – Buddy Holly