#Insecurity

In between guilting the staff to bring me more food, I’ll take a second to mention that this is my favorite tag to read on WordPress. Hands down.

Of all the things I’m most familiar with, that I relate to, that I’ve been through, going through, or am…that’s where I find the most interesting thoughts. Insecurity of subjective looks or about being “loved” isn’t what I mean. Scrap it. I mean insecurity about being different. Doubting ourselves. What we’re embarrassed of. Those less than perfect attributes that make us precisely who we are. The most interesting people and the most interesting thoughts. They’re there. With that tag. And I know exactly why that is.

When my hearing started going, around the age of 7, I started getting pushed aside by my friends. When they thought I wasn’t cooperating, I was thinking. And planning. And imagining. Alone. Fine, but alone. I had my own ideas that I knew didn’t fit with what they were doing. And because I’d had that time “alone” without outside influence, my interests fell away from sports and typical little dude role play. I liked to ride my bike and draw. It’s when I started writing. I liked animals, and playing the piano. And I loved school. I felt at peace there. As the chaos and noise of 400 other kids slowly started to die out over time. And I suppose that I still love school. I always feel like the opportunity there is endless. But people still think, at times, I’m just not cooperating.

Eventually, I learned to touch the arms, hands, backs and shoulders of my friends in order to get their attention and engage with them. I had to if I was going to avoid being left out. Which I refused to be. It was me and them. Only. Right then. I noticed as time went on, and I got older, the lack of focus and connection between friends or couples. They weren’t doing this. They should absolutely be doing this. You don’t miss a thing when you’re zeroed in on each other. Processing faces and words. Whether good or bad. And I still do what I have to for fear of being left out.

Teachers considered me an independent worker. Because I didn’t yak a lot and I always did well. So they let me go about it. As time went on, I learned to pay closer attention and I was rarely distracted. Which is anything but a hindrance in nearly all situations. This plus this, gets me where I want to go. The goal. Done. Easy. I still succeed in whatever I take on…only I have upped the yak level considerably.

I joined the swim team in 7th grade. It was quiet. It made sense. No cues or commands to miss. No physical threat. Football…now that was a mistake that didn’t last long. But, in the water, that was just me. A sound sensation I was used to. And systematic, unspoken teamwork. To this day, that’s still where I’m most comfortable.

Public speaking? No thing. No snickering, lack of attention or heckling to take in. No sounds to take the wrong way and throw me off. Flash forward. Same damn thing with students. We pay attention to each other or you won’t excel. End of story. And when you’re talking to me, it’s just you and I. And I don’t forget a thing. It’s likely you won’t either. Because we both had to pay attention. That, and snark or sarcastic tone don’t register with me. Nothing to throw me off. Goal. Done. Easy.

All the while, I was writing. Reading. Taking in emotions. Figuring out my own. Learning ways I could communicate effectively. Sticking to my strengths and the things I was hardcore interested in. Digging my feet in. I was outgoing and my friends and family understood. It was all working out…and I was anything but secure with any of it. And whenever the opportunity arises to *not* mention it, I don’t. What a freedom, huh? You’d think. But it never ends well. I’m still not sure what I was thinking. I fucked that backwards because I realize not saying anything was what was out of my comfort zone. And I got lost. Lost in that Insecurity.

My point! Yeah, that. Those of us…the ones…the ones with those insecurities. Those worries. Those of us who withdraw. The ones who got pushed aside. May feel we don’t fit in. Not good enough. We do find strengths. We have to. We have time to get to know what we’re about. What works for us. What we like. Who we like. We have time to consider. The whys of everything. Why we are “this way”. We work on getting our thoughts across, or at least in order. We work on change. We learn. We analyze. We wish…we thinkthinkthink. Those minds are busy ones. The scared ones. The insecure ones. The ones who influence themselves. The thinkers.

…It’s an interesting bunch of folks, those. So…tag it up!

Sam

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8 thoughts on “#Insecurity

  1. That last paragraph resonated deeply with me; how we HAVE to find our strengths and figure out the intricacies of what makes us US. It’s why I say that awkward kids make the most passionate and interesting adults.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree, they really do! They learn to give the understanding THEY want! I notice it just between my kids even. My oldest is typical, distant, and gripes a lot. Even though I know she’ll grow out of it, her younger sister has always had health issues and physical weaknesses, not as much social opportunity…she never complains and is always quick to look at how to give others what they need when she sees someone struggling.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve noticed that it’s usually our insecurities, fears, and weaknesses that help us have compassion for others. If you’ve never had to struggle, how can you understand anyone else’s struggles? Truly, they are blessings in disguise.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Absolutely! A charmed life is not all it always appears. There’s depth of soul and feeling for *others* that can’t be gained apart from experiencing those pains and discomfort!!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m awkward have always been. I’m the ones you find hiding behind my dad’s legs. Even now as an adult I’m still awkward. Work made me appear friendly and outgoing but that’s only a front. Not working I’ve noticed I’ve retreated once again.

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    1. Aw, ha! Don’t hide! Well when we’re in a comfortable space or relying on our strengths, that’s where the confidence comes from. I tried to go along without acknowledging parts of me…and that wasn’t my zone. At all. So i fucked it up being out of my zone. But I do find it’s super easy to be a recluse intermittently too! Ahhhh.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have an active social life inside my head. 🙂 In the real world…not so much.
    My hearing went at age 7, too. Meningitis.

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    1. Nah, me neither. But I’ve slowed down a lot in the last 12 months. I’m perfectly happy with my circle right now but looking forward to a new workplace this fall just the same.

      Oh my gosh! Sorry to hear that! It’s been a long road for you then, too 😔

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