I’ve still got one hell of a sour taste in my mouth. It always leaves me feeling like I’ve got a lot of negative shit to spit out when it comes down to it. And I will. It will come out eventually. In bits. It has to. Right now it deserves absolutely no notice from me. None. Rest up, Bullshit. You’ve got the day off.
I had a moment last night, in complete silence. Soothed. Calm. Some clarity. Momentarily empty of ghosts. Looking at myself from the outside, I could feel the rest and relief through every part of me. I took that time and chose to ask myself a couple questions.
Where do you put your heart. In these days of uncertainty in all things. Why would anyone else want it. Or need it…And how long could it possibly last. Does it matter?
I wasn’t disheartened that I had few answers.
The reason is this. In the clear forefront of my mind I did not hear, “Nowhere. They don’t. It won’t. It doesn’t”. None of that was there. It disgusts me I ever allowed myself to feel those things. It disgusts me I ever experienced feeling those things. It disgusts me that I ever spread those negative notions around. And it disgusts me that I was pushed so far out of body those thoughts became who I was. And that I can’t take any of it back. There’s just so much I want to take back. To have for only myself again.
We have protectors that don’t fail us for malicious reasons. We are protectors desperate to succeed out of affection. I feel a distinct nastiness and corruption nowadays in the phrases, “we are all human” and “none of us are perfect”, among so many others. So, while I don’t allow them to jump to mind, I will say, in that protection we want to provide and be provided, kindness is key. And without it, heart is useless to be given or received. Completely useless. If kindness is present, put your heart where you must.
Again, I was not disheartened.
It will go where it goes. We all know. Whether your heart is wanted or needed is subjective, and changes overnight. You will be told both are true. You will be told both are untrue. You are not in control of verifying such things with any degree of certainty. Sound hopeless? It’s anything but. The hope of being loved and cared for is what fuels us forward. The hope of receiving the kindness we give keeps us from giving up. The why’s are unimportant.
It was vague, but not disheartening.
As far as longevity, I’m still working out an answer to that. You may live a hundred lifetimes in one relationship, or it may pass in the night. It may linger off and on in friendship and support. It may die quietly. It may die in a fiery blaze of contempt. There’s no way to know. I’m not one for working with variables. And there’s a mindblowing amount of variables in between one minute, and Forever. It is a true unknown. But the hope of being cared for will keep you hanging on until the end. Bitter or otherwise.
I am seeing myself. There are many unknowns but my hope is driving me. And I will always answer, Yes…it matters.
I am not disheartened.