Having this week off has brought many blessings into focus that I didn’t have much time to think about while prancing around with my daughter last week. Although, slowly…it was your basic slow prancing. It’s a skill.
I thought about when I feel most confident. And what I need to get back there. The reason was simple. When I’m feeling good, I love my life. And the reason for that is even simpler. I love my life when I can make people happy. And I count as one of those people. Which starts with that confidence…which comes back around knocking on All the Happiness. It’s The Circle of Life, my friends! I could sing it for you but, you get the point. And If you don’t, that’s because it’s highly diluted and merely flipping around on a old timey filmstrip inside my head.
Moving on. So…I tend to think a lot while I’m driving. I replay months worth of bullshit. I laugh at jokes from three days ago. I shout mean things at people I’m mad at even though they’re hundreds of miles away. I recite highly sarcastic speeches to people who walk diagonally across parking lots, or don’t know how to park between the lines. I say rude things to the songs on the radio. I create scenarios aloud of annoying things that haven’t happened to me yet. And yes, I am a fucking blast to ride with. Most of this is what I call Having Fun with Your Resentment. I ignore the guy most of the time but hell hath no fury like Baby in the corner. So we go for a Ridealong together. Partners for a time, even though I can’t stand him. I’d like to think it’s a lot like Tango and Cash. But it’s probably closer to Turner and Hooch.
Sometimes, when I’ve sufficiently appeased Resentment for the time being, what I think about instead are those things that make me smile. And I think about them because I’m already smiling. There’s that circle again. Those things. Making someone laugh, or think, or, God forbid, love. My kids off to their activities healthy and happy. When they’re in bed safe at night. Having new ideas. Things I want to do. Planning my day burden free. Feeling lighthearted. Empty of negative feelings for others. Not giving legs to any hatred towards me. Being able to make someone feel cared for. Hope for successful connection and communication. Understanding. Waking up knowing I’m going to make the day fucking great because I choose to and am able.
Above most things, being able to make someone else smile. That’s when I’m the happiest. That’s when I feel the best. That’s when I love my life. That makes all the difference to me. It’s when I feel whole. I feel warm from sun up to sundown. Purposeful. Light. Happy. Now imagine when that’s all taken away from me.
Well…then My Buddy decides it’s time to go for another ride. Okay, Jackass. Let’s play. Hope you’re not sensitive to ‘swears.