When these changes in me stop, I’m not sure. Why the changes. Why it all happened. I already know. And it all brings me here. Right where I am. Today.
I’m tired of who I am being stripped away each time because of my need to have someone. Someone who doesn’t abuse me. Someone who doesn’t cheat on me. Someone who doesn’t turn away from me and back to manipulation and control. Someone who doesn’t trick me, and validate all of my exact worst fears. Someone who does not leave the blame for these on only my shoulders.
Whether I was expected to stay. Whether I was loved regardless of the trials. Or whether I was easily disregarded as inhuman trash. I’m the one left to deal with what’s in my head and my heart. Alone. I’m the only one left.
This time. It’s different. Because I lost respect for myself. Because what I felt was unimaginable. And with that high came the worst pain of my life. Because putting words to my hurt labeled me as unstable. Because putting words to my love unfairly labeled me as threatening. And it made me feel disgusting. And ridiculous. And I’m neither. I do not accept either. So, this time it is different.
Each time that I have lost something, it’s stayed away. It’s stayed gone. I’ve been unable to revive those parts of me again. What I could do was rebuild, but working only with the pieces I had left. So, a little meeker each time. A little quieter. A little more unsure.
The father, reliable husband and provider was systematically subdued and strong handed. Then extinguished. Well before his time. The cocky, lost, foul mouthed drinker showed. And was killed off. Hard. Slowly but for good. The devoted partner and loyal lover was kept in the dark so long things went silent. With no conclusion. The soft and easy soul mate was hopeful. Excited and terrified. Full of fear and insecurity. All at a pace too slow. And ended as an insignificant white noise. A forgettable mistake in time.
The pieces I’m left with aren’t much. And I felt like there was next to nothing to work with anymore. But I was wrong. While I am repeatedly stripped of my dignity and confidence…I am also stripped of all the bullshit. Each time. Hypocrisy comes to light. Hardline standards that don’t apply to both people are shot out of the fucking water. You are never trusted but are expected to trust blindly. Your beliefs, confidences and past hurts are used against you. Your investment and heart are sought after then tossed out as meaningless. All of that, you can go right ahead and take away. It has no place in my life. I am lighter without it. And what I am left with is stronger because of it.
This time. It’s different. Because I am no longer distracted from my family. Never again. And I remember, once again, where I started. As a father. And a reliable provider. That is who I am. That’s what I’m doing. Right now. But, regardless the path, what I want has never changed. It has always been the same. I want someone to care for who will hold my hand. That’s it.
So, this time, I won’t make the same mistakes. I’ll take that responsibility. I’m laying all my fears, insecurities, ailments and impairments bare. Completely. It’s done. What I want will never change. And this time, with stronger pieces and the bullshit gone, I am not fucking around.
Because I am more than just a regret.