“Now, I Know I Can be Happy as a Clam. Because I’m Beautiful, Baby”

20170710_222044This was my morning. Leaving camp dropoff. It stormed hard for a good hour after the sirens went off. It was the strangest low lying front I’d seen here. Nothing ever formed from it, but it was touch and go there for a bit. And in true Michigan fashion…you just have to hang on a while…You don’t like the weather? Wait an hour, it will change.

Change it did. And what it brought in just hours later was beautiful. 20170709_13391020170710_19392820170709_134038

I even had a little boy with a broken arm, and his sister jokingly playing along that I’d found Tamatoa…

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THEN I found the Real Tamatoa!! He was pretty docile so I dolled him up with treasures cause he was still tired from eating his Grandmother…sufficiently Shiny.

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Lock up your little ones, though. I’m an absolute monster…

I had some reading I wanted to finish up today. I’m trying to help myself through a lot of things alone here lately and I needed to take the time to work through some of it without distractions. There’s a couple places I’m always drawn to when I need to make sense of what’s happening to me. None of them are cold weather friendly per se, which makes winter a difficult time for me. But in the summer, the Huron is always there for me. And I find myself pulled there before any of my other places lately.

The water was 75° in the shallower areas. Amazing. And I count myself a lucky boy to be neck deep in it on an afternoon like today.

I had a lot of time, while the rafters and kayaks floated past me, to think about things today. There’s no sense in recounting my past here anymore. It’s been turned against me and vilified me when it hurt the most so, at this point you either know or you don’t. But I did consider this evolution for a while.

I am absolutely set in my ways. I know what I like. I stick to it. I know the places I like to go. So I do. I know the people I’m comfortable with. That’s who I reach out to. I know what I like to do. And what brings me enjoyment. That’s what I do.  I used to fear being content. I used to think I got punished somehow every time I was finally happy. You can lay the Quoty Fingers just about anywhere on those last two sentences.

But, I don’t feel afraid of that contentment anymore. I don’t feel guilty about happiness anymore. I am set in my ways. I like my world. I’ve spent an awful lot of time filling it out. Learning. Watching and listening. Writing it all down. Storing things away. And learning more. What I love even more than my own little world, is being able to share it with someone. That would be true contentment and happiness. That would be love. And I’m not afraid of that either.

Far from the ones who abandoned you
Chasing the love of these humans
Who made you feel wanted
You try to be tough
But your armor’s just not hard enough

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