Diplomacy vs. Conquest

Sometimes risks pay off. And sometimes they end up being the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. Sometimes they pay off for a bit before they fucking kill you. They make you feel damn good for a while. As long as you’re actin’ right. And sometimes shit just ain’t fair. End of story.

I honestly did not know. I know now.

And now I’m torn. Because the smart thing to do would be to watch for those colors from the beginning. And believe them then. To listen for those cue cards. Believe them then…but that would also be the most ignorant thing I could ever do to myself.

I happen to enjoy the company of others. I enjoy relationships. I enjoy sharing. I enjoy friendship. I don’t enjoy shutting doors and silencing people. I don’t enjoy putting up walls. I don’t enjoy making someone feel subhuman. I don’t enjoy battling to keep others out. Because I don’t intend to be alone or bitter because of my own snap judgment.

When I tell someone I understand their insecurities, I fucking mean it. Because I don’t want to be judged for mine. When I tell someone the treatment they received was awful, I fucking mean it. I won’t expect they’ll do it to me. When I tell someone their anger is warranted, I fucking mean it. Even if I see them calling out everyone and their mama. When I tell someone I understand sadness and difficulty, I fucking mean it. I do not think they are weird. When I tell someone I understand they are jaded, I fucking mean it. I won’t expect that to turn to me. When I support shortcomings and quirks, I fucking mean it. Because I have my own. When I tell someone their feelings are important to me, I fucking mean it. Whether mine are or not. When I tell someone I love them, I fucking mean it. I don’t expect to be looked down on for it.

If I meant none of it, and intended to leave at the first symptom of a past or the first sign of how I’m to be fated, I’d probably be the lonliest motherfucker out there. You may hear me talk about a lot of things, but being lonely isn’t one of them. I know what I do wrong. But I also know what I do right. I won’t make an ignorant decision, because I’m willing to take that risk. Whether it ends up killing me or not.

I get hurt, and I stay open. I may keep getting hurt, I will stay open. I won’t be alone. I will always expect kindness. But sometimes, shit just ain’t fair. End of story.

Do me wrong, do me right
Tell me lies but hold me tight
Save your goodbyes
for the morning light
But don’t let me be lonely tonight

Say goodbye and say hello
Sure enough good to see you,
but it’s time to go
Don’t say yes,
but please don’t say no
I don’t want to be lonely tonight

Go away then, damn you,
go on and do as you please
You ain’t gonna see me
gettin’ down on my knees
I’m undecided and your heart’s
been divided
You’ve been turning my world
upside down

-James Taylor

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