When I care about someone, I like to share *with* them the things that bring me happiness. I look at it as pieces of my heart I can give to them. Things that others might not necessarily know. Or absolutely not know. I will tell someone who is special to me. Someone who holds that space in my heart.
Which makes it that much more painful when you’re disregarded as unimportant. It tells you those pieces of you were unimportant. Your happiness was unimportant. So, these things get tainted and you’re left to deal with it daily, rebuild your self worth, and still be able to look at those things that brought you happiness through the black film that’s left on them. Those pieces of me. The ones I treasure when other people share. Peace.
I’ve realized that there’s no easy road to rebuilding my self worth. Doing it alone. I’m devastated. Which I haven’t said yet. Because it never made one bit of difference. But…I am. And that alone is going to block many roads out for me. But it’s my problem. Only my problem. It was always only my problem. Which I didn’t expect, but then again, I never do. And yet. I keep getting on the ride.
SO!…One of the things I feel like I can do to clear that road for myself is start to embrace those little things once again. Instead of allowing them to be taken from me, too. Instead of side-eyeing them and feeling angry and sick to my stomach. That would be me giving up and giving in to heartlessness. Those little bits of me that make me smile. The ones I share hoping someone else will smile, too. Maybe know they aren’t alone, whether they want to be or not.
Fact is, there is no one who is going to protect those special parts of you that you give up, those confidences. And you can’t ever get them back. You can’t take them back. Ever. It’s done and over. I won’t say be careful with them…cause that isn’t me. But I will say, you are the only one who can ever truly protect those pieces of you. And since I still believe in connection in the place of hatred, I’m gonna start small and clean the film off of these. Because they bring me happiness God dammit!
These were small. But they were important to me. A special memory and purity. So, regardless, I will still allow them to bring me happiness…and not just scroll down. Which would be taking the easy way ‘out’.
From me to you. Enjoy 😊
…now…I’ve got a bouncy house and waterslide installation to go supervise.