Putting Words to It

I guess I was never quite sure exactly what you were saying to me in those five minutes I was allowed. Or what I was actually being accused of. Most importantly, why you never came to me with it. Why you went behind my back instead of asking anything honestly. Why that was okay. Why you viewed me so far beneath you and talked to me like I was trash. Why you felt you had that right. Why you weren’t willing to answer my questions. All of my Whys. All of my How Could Yous. Why I no longer mattered. Why you were responsible for nothing. But I do know I kept my promise to you. Because I had to. It was a promise I made for some peace. But I kept it. No questions asked.

I told you I wouldn’t fight you. I didn’t. I told you I wouldn’t try to make you stay. Just like the first time. I didn’t. I took it. On my knees. I couldn’t stop saying Thank You…and I bet that felt pretty good. I don’t think you will ever fully embrace or admit to yourself what you’ve done to me. The true wake of this. For me. And my family. Though I told you till after the end of The End, that your feelings matter. Pretty hard to man back up after being taken down that way.

But, I understand. As I said.

I will hold my head up because I know I was always there for you. I was always caring. I did not cheat on you. I did not abuse you. I was always protective of you from the very beginning. I was always supportive. I was always soft towards you and understanding. I was always respectful of you and your privacy, not to mention your anonymity. I never judged you. I was always here. I didn’t leave. And I was always kind. None of that can be denied and that I know. As do you.

The one time I needed all those things from you, the one time I felt angry and offended with you, I woke up to nothing. Ever again. I never deserved the silence or to be silenced which is the one thing I begged from the beginning. The one thing that I said would hurt me the worst. I never deserved the disrespect or to be sick and scared alone. Or treated like a threat and a criminal when you know I’m everything to the contrary. That alone has completely destroyed my life and self worth, and made me no better than every worthless lowlife any woman has ever known. That is not who I am. And that insinuation brought me to a complete standstill.

I will always live with questions of my own. Fair or not. I will take responsibility. As graciously and honestly as possible when those promises of safety and respect weren’t kept. I did not leave. Or stop caring. I did not violate this safe zone. Ever. And I never will. That is not who I am. But, as I said, I understand. And I always will.

I know myself to be a lot of things, but tonight all I am is sad as shit. Night.

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16 thoughts on “Putting Words to It

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  1. It’s so painful when people use the things they know will hurt us the most. It’s a betrayal of the trust we put in them by telling them our fears and showing our vulnerabilities.
    I’m so sorry things are rough. I watched addiction destroy my marriage & family. My husband was my best friend and then he was my worst enemy.
    Hang in there🌷✨🌈🌠

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is. What people say they love about you is preyed on in the end.

      Thank you so much. Addiction destroyed my marriage as well. We rebuilt after the divorce but it was very black between us for a long time. So hard to watch someone you love suffer and bring life to a halt in such an ugly way.

      Like

  2. This is a very strong post, youre an amazing writer. I am so sorry about what happened to you, although i know that doesnt make it better. but you are amazing for writing about it, so thank you, feel free to come to me if you need someone to listen but at the very least, please keep writing. You deserve the very best

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey there. Thank you so much. 😊 This has been my place to put all my thoughts for a while. I’m determined for it to remain a safe space which I feel will be fine as long as I don’t allow it to be taken from me again. Thank you so much for saying. It means a lot 😢

      Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ™ŒπŸ™ŒπŸ™Œ It makes me incredibly sad to have to hide something so important to me. That isn’t like me at all. But I’ve learned too harsh a lesson again. You’re right, it’s mine alone from here on out.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It speaks to your strength that you can be open with someone who hurt you and to be open to sharing. It certainly doesn’t *feel* strong all the time. I call my darkness my rabbit hole – no matter how far I come, I can slip right back down into it. One can tell you’re a fighter by how you write – fight on!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good grief just saw this was pending still! Thank you for understanding this. It’s nice to hear supportive things rather than that I’ve learned my lesson or some such thing (…it happens). I think the ones who aren’t afraid to quote/unquote allow themselves to be hurt, have far more insight into helping others through 😞 So, thank you so much πŸ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I’m sorry to hear that glad you are pushing through it πŸ™Œ That really is the worst part for me too, but I think it’s made way for some good…finally!

      Like

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