I guess I was never quite sure exactly what you were saying to me in those five minutes I was allowed. Or what I was actually being accused of. Most importantly, why you never came to me with it. Why you went behind my back instead of asking anything honestly. Why that was okay. Why you viewed me so far beneath you and talked to me like I was trash. Why you felt you had that right. Why you weren’t willing to answer my questions. All of my Why‘s. All of my How Could You‘s. Why I no longer mattered. Why you were responsible for nothing. But I do know I kept my promise to you. Because I had to. It was a promise I made for some peace. But I kept it. No questions asked.
I told you I wouldn’t fight you. I didn’t. I told you I wouldn’t try to make you stay. Just like the first time. I didn’t. I took it. On my knees. I couldn’t stop saying Thank You…and I bet that felt pretty good. I don’t think you will ever fully embrace or admit to yourself what you’ve done to me. The true wake of this. For me. And my family. Though I told you till after the end of The End, that your feelings matter. Pretty hard to man back up after being taken down that way.
But, I understand. As I said.
I will hold my head up because I know I was always there for you. I was always caring. I did not cheat on you. I did not abuse you. I was always protective of you from the very beginning. I was always supportive. I was always soft towards you and understanding. I was always respectful of you and your privacy, not to mention your anonymity. I never judged you. I was always here. I didn’t leave. And I was always kind. None of that can be denied and that I know. As do you.
The one time I needed all those things from you, the one time I felt angry and offended with you, I woke up to nothing. Ever again. I never deserved the silence or to be silenced which is the one thing I begged from the beginning. The one thing that I said would hurt me the worst. I never deserved the disrespect or to be sick and scared alone. Or treated like a threat and a criminal when you know I’m everything to the contrary. That alone has completely destroyed my life and self worth, and made me no better than every worthless lowlife any woman has ever known. That is not who I am. And that insinuation brought me to a complete standstill.
I will always live with questions of my own. Fair or not. I will take responsibility. As graciously and honestly as possible when those promises of safety and respect weren’t kept. I did not leave. Or stop caring. I did not violate this safe zone. Ever. And I never will. That is not who I am. But, as I said, I understand. And I always will.
I know myself to be a lot of things, but tonight all I am is sad as shit. Night.