Hyperaware & Decidedly Not Dating

There isn’t any formula for any of this. Being special to someone. Making somebody happy. Finding a partnership. Finding… “finding”. Fitting into a partnership. You can’t find something you aren’t a part of yet. But you can find ways to make one work. If that’s what you want.

I never…never expected this year to go the way it did. But I absolutely will not cry writing this. Maybe anyway. None of it was what I wanted. I wanted to be part of the growth and support of a family again. I wanted time or at least understanding. I wanted to be part of a partnership and progress for the ones I gave my heart to as well as their children. What I didn’t forsee was my daughters’ hearts being broken or my own family being torn apart because of allowing those wants to destroy me. I don’t say this much but…that was not my intention.

The days of “dating” are long gone. No ties and little responsibility are things from an age past. At this stage in life, it becomes more about fostering a healthy friendship that has time to grow. A dependence that is fair and mutual. Caring. Fitting together. Which means the acceptance of what someone brings with them. Everything they bring with them. And these days, that can be a precious awful lot.1501360895186

Because it is not “dating” any longer. Throw that word out…unless it’s indeed all you’re doing. Now you become responsible not only for one heart in addition to your own. But all the little ones that branch off from them. That’s a lot of responsibility in the atmospheric haze of allowing yourself to care for someone. And it’s a lot of power wielded. And where there’s power, there’s inevitably the abuse of power. It is a chance we all take. But, in this case unlike most, intention is key.

When you walk away, when you leave, when it ends, there are more than two people affected. There are far more than two lives changed. I’d invite this to be recognized as absolute fact. I would invite caution before becoming part of someone’s life who has children or asking to be a part of those lives to start. Especially someone who is in the process of healing themselves and protecting their family from more hurt, however low you may place the degree of severity or importance. Because I can guarantee you, there will be part of you left behind long after you’ve chosen to exit. Long after. Use that power wisely. Otherwise, it’s just screwing around with someone you knew couldn’t handle it. If that sounds dramatic, that’s because it damn sure has the potential to be.

“Friendship” didn’t end up meaning a thing before, but I still know one thing for sure. I protect all the hearts I invest in. Not just my own. And I’m well aware of everything that comes with it. Just like always. Because there simply is no other way to have a partnership. If that’s what you want. Not these days.

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67 thoughts on “Hyperaware & Decidedly Not Dating

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  1. You have expressed a mature understanding that is becoming rarer as time passes. I see much self centered behavior out there that is damaging to everyone involved and so many don’t seem to learn from experience. The entire truth isnthat every thought, every action, every intent affects existence. I wish you well in all things.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Precisely, my kids don’t need anymore heartbreak where family is concerned. Nor do I, I get attached to peoples kids as an extension of someone I care about and it always hurts to lose that. It’s such a delicate thing that needs to be cared for even before those fluffy clouds roll in.

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  2. So important when little ones are involved! My daughters were 19 & 13 when my ex and I split. My 13 yr old hated anyone I dated. Now that I’m co-parenting my grandson(he’s 8) I’ve decided I don’t even have the time or energy to think about a relationship. Him being autistic adds so much more to the equation. Maybe when he’s older…. I’ve got plenty of time👍

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    1. I agree. It’s highly sensitive all around. Your kids never ask to be collateral damage. If anyone is taking that hit it will be me alone. I was engaged last winter and we managed to facilitate a friendship through the breakup for the sake of our daughters as well as ourselves. They would have lost too much. I won’t be involving them in this for a long while. Too much else has gone on this year. No more false hopes for them. And yes, time indeed 😊

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  3. Amen! You couldn’t have said it better. I’m trying my best to navigate through all of this, learn from my mistakes, and protect my littles….which in my heart is the most important part. No one and nothing will ever hold a place higher in my heart.
    Thank you, Sam.

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    1. Yes…but I’ve been shot down so, so many times saying something wasn’t my *intention*…I’ve also been told my intentions don’t mean shit. So I’m more than a little gunshy to say it. Ever. But in this case I can say it wholeheartedly, if you know these things up front, your end intention is everything. That’s my reason for the strange distinction anyhow 😶

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      1. I see what you’re saying. I guess when I mean acting with intention, it means less about having to prove something verbally to someone, but rather just living your life within your own truth. If someone else doesn’t believe it, or constantly expects you to prove it, then I see it as their problem, not yours. 🙄

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        1. Agreed, and that’s exactly the crux of the situation…*but!* since I’m an ass kisser, or have a history of having *been* an ass kisser, it’s become my problem, too, in the past. 😚⬅️ (Me willingly kissing ass.) One thing among many that I’m working on!

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          1. Well I guess if you’re gonna have a bad thing about you, it might as well be that: trying to please people, because in the end you are the one that gets hurt, not them! 😞 I’m glad you are trying to heal because you deserve it. 😘

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            1. 🙄 Thank you. I have no complaints with wanting to make people happy, or feel like valued humans…I hate hearing people say “I give too much”, “love too much”, “I put me last”, etc. I wouldn’t trade any of that for myself, but what I do desperately need to stop doing is not saying my peace in order to *keep* the peace, and remaining diplomatic when I’m being verbally bisected and talked down to. I’m not sure why I do it but It doesn’t leave me with much self respect in the end. And it’s set an awful precedent. I don’t know. I’m very lost in a lot of things right now. Hard to put a healthy foot forward. Blah.

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            2. To me it’s never wrong to keep the peace even when others are at war and being abusive: think of amazing pacifists like Martin Luther king Jr and Gandhi. We don’t always need to fight back dear. Sometimes our best self is being silent and not fighting. Someone must stop the mean stuff and it’s not a weakness to walk away, it’s brave to not engage. Just remember to keep loving your beautiful self when you do and know that the negativity is their issue, not yours. Just reflect your positive light back on them. It’s all about karma. 💖

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            3. Well…yes. Thank you for that perspective. I suppose that’s true. I have a hard time letting things go when there is anger left on the other side. It’s your basic recipe for disaster. I’m aware though at least, and tryin’.

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    1. When we were all younger there wasn’t much to consider. Certainly not children. And you know, I’ve fielded many an insult about moving on when something ends. But really? I suppose maybe I should sit and cry in my windowsill listening to sad Kingston Trio songs the rest of my life. I intend to be committed when I’m interested in someone because it’s what I expect too. And it’s always been with a friend, well, or someone I felt was a friend at least. Someone who’s family situation and past I’m aware of. Because there’s nothing quite like being blindsided by ‘feelings’ when you and your family aren’t prepared, least of all to be left in the dirt. The only thing I walk away from is abuse. Other than that it’s a sure bet I’m not going anywhere. That’s where the investment comes in.

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      1. I came from a very whole, intact, family of origin. I saw my parents weather storms that would have divided any other couple. But I struggle with that in my own relationships. I often feel like the investment I’ve made isn’t valued or appreciated, which makes me want to pull up stakes and walk away. I don’t know where that comes from in me. I certainly never saw anyone else being that way.

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        1. Me as well! My parents forged a great example of going through the fire together. But they always respected each other. So that’s my big one. I think I always feel like if that’s there the rest can be figured out no matter what. *But*…you do need to be valued and appreciated too. I think that’s the very definition of respect. If that isn’t there…we come back around to emotional and verbal abuse. And I can’t.

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          1. I’ve been through mental and emotional abuse in my first marriage. This time around, it isn’t abuse so much as….neglect? And that doesn’t seem like enough to end a relationship after so much time invested. But I become more jaded by the day, it seems. *sigh*

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            1. So…I’ll just say this, towards the end I was catching all of that as well as a year of physical abuse. Which I don’t bother telling anyone ever. But whatever. So…I can and will tolerate a hell of a lot before I actually walk away. I get staying for that reason. I get it. ❤

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            2. None! I tend to not even bring certain things up unless I know the other person *actually* relates. Otherwise I’m just setting myself up for a insensitive lecture willingly.

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  4. We can’t and shouldn’t change who we are inside. I met my first husband at school, we married and two children and ten years later I knew I had made the biggest mistake ever. He was mentally abusing and virtually all my self confidence went.

    He was good with our children and because of my lack of self belief and my children’s stability I stayed with him for 27 years. The children left home, I ended the marriage (with nobody else involved) The children understood and were very supportive but I still to this day feel guilt because I put myself first.

    They have since suffered due to his behaviour when he repeatedly put his new lady’s family first and it still hurts me when he shows a lack of love towards his own children and grandchildren.

    Unfortunately pain is a part of life and although we can try our hardest to shield our children and ourselves we should not prevent ourselves from taking chances and living . Children do come first in my eyes but you also deserve happiness too.

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    1. Thank you for this 😊 It’s hard to not feel that kind of guilt in that situation. About something or another. My ex and I were a couple for almost 18 years and I have so much guilt for what my kids went through at home towards the end of the marriage that I wasn’t aware of and the bouncing around after. I made a promise to them that they would be safe with me and things just haven’t worked out as planned. They’ve gotten caught up in my mistakes and…I’m just going to be more careful now. I’ve set very different ground rules this time. So, here’s hoping…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We are very alike you and I, I carried the guilt of my ex for years , I still do occasionally until my best love ever told me that I needed to release it because it was not mine to carry.
        What I learnt was we can’t change our past so it makes sense not to relive it and release the pain. 😉

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        1. 😊Indeed. We managed to smooth things over after she got well but I still see the effects of all of this in the kids. And we all talked about it till we were blue in the face, so that did help.

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  5. This is so insightful – even for relationships that don’t involve children. “Dating” should be switched to “investing” because that’s what needs to happen. An investment in the other person and, like you said, accepting what they bring with them.

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    1. It definitely goes with or without children. There’s just so much more at stake with extra emotions and lives to consider. It isn’t just deciding to walk away from a relationship with one person. Thank you so much 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is beautiful. It’s nice to see others around my age range that get the concept. I know so many people that do not see this at all. But when your child’s heart breaks, the mama/papa bear comes out and no matter what, that comes first. You can hurt me, but if there is even the slightest chance that you hurt my child, you’re dead to me. So … I won’t “date” either. There are no in and out people; if you meet my child it is because I expect you to stick around – do not accept that meeting if you do not plan to stick around.

    Best part, though, is how you described a partnership – “fitting into a partnership.” I’m totally stealing that 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much 😶 And yes!!…I’ve seen men in the past that galavant around with someone’s kids in order to gain favor with mama. And my heart bleeds for them. I’m even choking up thinking about it (rant coming), especially when those kids have lost a parent, had no second parent, or one who is absent more than not. It would be a sin for me to walk in knowing that, throw some fun and games around and see if mom takes the bait. It makes me sick to my stomach. So help me if I ever let anything progress that far for my kids that ended up not meaning shit. They knew my ex uniquely because her mom sat for them. Otherwise it would have been a lot longer before that closeness was introduced. Children will inevitably attach to caring parental figures if the proximity is there and it’s a natural progression that they start to desire that adults attention, time and special care. If they don’t intend to stay there, and *do* that, then why tf *are* they there. It’s honestly beyond me. And a lot of it is also me not understanding what people don’t *get* about this before they even go rooting around someone who’s kids have had it rough enough already. That’s insane to me. Not innocent. End rant.

      Lol, steal away. I’ve had a lot I’ve wanted to say about partnerships for a long time now but…let’s say I got sidetracked for a while. I still hope to get to it eventually.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am sure you will. I agree with your rant – experienced it myself as a child and now as an adult. It’s a special mind if sick selfishness. It’s one thing if they tried and it just didn’t work. But, then again, a lot of people do not live and revere people, much less children, on the level I do.

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        1. Absolutely. Things sometimes don’t work and that’s where the maturity of maintaining a friendship comes in. If nothing else. Especially if it’s someone the little ones got attached to.

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  7. You were grubbing while holding that cute little baby!!!😂😂😂😂😂
    This is personally my reason for keeping my son “hidden” from even friendships, anymore. Those relationships aren’t even guaranteed to weather mild storms, these days. I ALWAYS talk about having a son but no one ever sees him😊. He doesn’t deserve to be so close to people that I’m close to….then have his heart broken when they are no longer in the picture. I’m careful with that one. He does not deserve to deal with me being broken…..so I am learning to be wise with the people that I emotionally invest in. I had him around church friends all of the time, and for a dozen different reasons, We are no longer friends…yet he will still mention them from time to time, because he still misses them. That breaks my heart. 💔 Our kids end up getting heartbroken over the people we bring in, whether through friendship or dating, and it does not last. That’s the hard part. I had a friend with a bull dozer load of drama….(I almost went into *full list mode* 😀) but his idea of a great woman was ABSOLUTELY NO DRAMA….🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩we are human, and we ALL come with extra in our package. While most drama is not good, there is that inevitable drama that comes with being a parent….period. Only mature adults understand this though….and respect….and understanding on every level. I’ve wasted so much time on foolery. 😔

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    1. Totally! And I don’t share my donuts with no babay!
      I’ve only gone out with one girl who didn’t have kids…and it specifically did *not* work out because she was so clueless about what it entails. No…I can’t pander to your whims, or put my kids aside for you and the majority of my time will not be yours. It just won’t. Ended…quickly and I had to set some new guidelines. Also quickly.
      It’s so incredibly sad when they ask about someone who is no longer there or around as much. Gah! Or someone I’d talked about mistakenly. There is a lot I won’t do again. Boy Howdy. Yep..I’m looking out these days for preachers with a list of rules longer than their arm. Not only does it tell me my fate, but I know good and well their own rules never apply to them. Plus, if you always feel you have to make the ‘rules’ forefront, it is no longer organic and…it just says a lot. I’ll leave it there. Foolishness is no longer blind, my friend! 💎

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      1. Oh, trust me when I say….it is not just parent-less individuals….which is even more weird. Talked about, “mistakenly”…😂😬. I have done this. “Preachers with a list if rules” (UGH!) I once said to this person whom I called a friend, whom had this ridiculous…EXHAUUUUSTING rule of extreme compatibility, that only exists in Heaven, because it is PERFECTION. I said, if a person is going to ask for so much…they better be able to deliver. I hate when people have so many idiotic nonsense demands and expectations, yet, they are not HALF of what they are demanding to have. I won’t deal with people like that anymore, because they have a list of red flags, that you try to overlook..being kind and fair, but realize in the end, you shouldn’t have. They walk away from friendships/relationships wanting the last word….having, the last ignorant word, and believing they are in control. I hate walking on egg shells and fearing that what I might say, could sound like ‘drama’ or be too emotional. 😀

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        1. I am cracking up 😂😂😂 That just got better as it went on! “Wanting the last word…having the last IGNORANT word…needing the LAST MOTHERFU#@IN’ IGNORANT WORD!” Lolollllll! Paraphrasing through hysterics 🤣

          And, Yaaaaaaas! 💯 But I can’t laugh like that on an empty stomach!

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  8. Many many years since I’ve dated…but I remember feeling sad when a few relationships ended and I no longer got to see his parents…who it turned out I liked more than I liked him. Or, in another relationship, no longer saw his sons who would be totally grown now and probably have kids of their own. You’re right.

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    1. I miss my ex in-laws something terrible. They aren’t nearby anymore and I think they decided to just keep to themselves on everything that went on. I can feel that space without them these days. You really do get attached to entire families. Especially after an extended time!

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      1. I was with my ex’s family for more than 20 years. We hardly talk anymore which is sad because they were my family too. This comment resonated with me so I thought I’d throw my 2 cents in. Glad you stopped by my blog so I could see yours. Great writing.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Aw, yes! Mine were part of me for about 18-19 years so I can definitely feel the void as my girls grow up. Especially my youngest is kind of like…grandparents? It’s sad, even though there aren’t any bad terms per se…still it can’t be made up for another way 😔 Thank you so much!

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          1. I get it. We didn’t part on bad terms either with the divorce. It just faded away. They had to take my Ex’s side even though it was he who left the family. Blood’s thicker than water. We’re still friendly, but it difficult sometimes for me because I did really enjoy being part of his family. That’s sad for your daughter. I’m sorry to hear that (read it).

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            1. Right…they are still a support but…hundreds of miles doesn’t help the situation either I suppose. I still call them mom and dad so, that’s a positive 😊

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        1. That’s actually sort of comforting. Barring the *really* awful stuff that is, to hear that. Makes me feel like more of a ‘Normie’ Lol!

          Yeah, you know…I’ve been okay here recently. Some patchy anxiety because I haven’t been sleeping but I think I’m sensing the end of summer and that mark of time always puts me a little off….😶

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Same. It’s been a little chily here so I stocked up on all my fall smellies and candles yesterday, lol. Couldn’t wait! 😍 A mood boost.

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  9. Yes this is so true, and something you put into words so perfectly. It’s a maturity of understanding and I think many people are actually too afraid to be able to dig that deep. Maybe some are scared they’ll fail. Forever relationships are so hard to find nowadays. But you’re right, it’s only the friendship foundation that has the chance of survival and it’s that much more important when there are families involved.
    Children are also resilient though. And as a child of a broken home, we are able to understand that sometimes separation can be better for our upbringing than staying together can be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very true. I carry a lot of guilt over their home being broken up for the last few years, even though none of it could have been helped. And we are short on family here due to distance so I’m tentative to introduce them to anyone. Luckily I’ve only included them in one relationship because it was a healthy one where the two of us were concerned. I made some mistakes as far as what I let myself get involved in and what I mentioned to them before I should and they were let down by me which I have a lot of guilt for too. On the flip side, I’m super wary to meet anyones children if I’m asked too early. Kids get attached and I get attached and for everyones sake it’s better to know someone actually intends you be a part of something before that happens. Forevers are indeed hard to come by but I think you have to head in feeling that’s not the case. Otherwise what’s the point, lol!

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      1. True, I tend to agree but I meet a lot of people who mostly feel it’s just ‘for fun’. Luckily I don’t have children. I’m sure if I did, I’d feel the same as you about dating. I dated one man with children and I met them quite quickly. They adored me, especially his son. And it was really hard for both them and I when we split up. I did learn a lot from that. It’s hard.

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        1. Yep…I do too it seems.

          Gah, yeah that’s a tough situation. There’s their other parents situation and a history to consider too, then someone new. It’s just a mess.

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