‘Only Blue or Black Days’

I remember the feeling of waiting for those words. Each time. Waiting for the space for those words. The I Love You. That final feeling of safety with someone you care for. I remember waiting for it. The sealing up of any unsurety between the two of you. And saying that it was okay to stay. Okay to build. To rest, or repair. Either way, to move forward together.

I remember a long time I was torn on those words because I knew I was not able to give them back. Nevermind how I felt. I couldn’t promise much. And I knew. With my head barely above water for so long.

But when I was. When I was ready. When I was able again. I was. I did. I said. And I meant. I felt. It was beautiful to me again. It was friendship and trust that stayed. Because of those words. And still does.

When the time came again. I was unprepared, but saved by it. I was fading. By myself. Breaking and scared. And I gave that again on my own will. After feeling it for so long. I smiled. I could breathe. It felt amazing to have that again. And to be reassured in the same way. I was there.

We would want someone to feel that. For us. About us. We would want to hear that. To breathe. We would want to know someone was laying somewhere thinking of us. We would want to know that someone could hurt, not because of us, but for us. We would want to be sure there was no risk of rejection. We would want to know there would always be more. Every day. Building. Perfection. And precious.

If none of that was missing. No risk of being deserted or abused. Hurt. Or ever disrespected. If you have the full support and love of another…I guess, I’m just not sure what else there would be to look for. That is what we’re looking for.

We wait. To hear those words. The unsurety resolved. And to rest. To know someone feels us that close. Either in the pleasure of closeness or the pain of distance. It’s everything. Not just a distraction. 

I can’t imagine giving that up. But I know how it feels to be told it never happened.

I’m a Big Boy. I have handled a harsh reality or two in my time. Hearts change direction. This is something I understand well. Time marches on. Whether together or apart. Whether you ‘loved’ or didn’t. Whether you ‘said’ you did, or didn’t. Time will continue on. But, once you’ve done it, you can never simply deny you ever surrendered your heart by using those words, and make it so. Although, some days I wish I had that same easy luxury.

Imagine something so amazing as finally having a safe place to put those words and those feelings. To have those words and feelings fed back into you with a met passion behind them.

Now imagine how incredibly foolish and expendable you’ve made me feel. I already know that you can. Only, it wasn’t me.

Time marches on.

…You knew who I was, every step that I ran to you.

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22 thoughts on “‘Only Blue or Black Days’

  1. The “feels” for this is giving me goosebumps! Omg

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep…having a moment. ๐Ÿ˜” I’ve felt sick ever since I put it up. Trying to eat and feel a little better. Not sure why I keep doing this to myself. But on the up side, glad it came across…Thanks, gallie.

      Like

  2. Very eloquently written. I’m reminded of the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’. And yet I hung on to words as if they were the end all be all, when really it’s the actions that I’ve harshly learned to trust.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! Dangโ€ฆ. Whew! Powerfulโ€ฆIโ€™m obviously kinda speechless.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. This means a lot to me โค It was an unexpectedly rough night. They come and go. ๐Ÿ˜•

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That they do! Unexpectedly. Like a sucker punch to the gut!
        Hereโ€™s hoping they are few and far between ๐Ÿ™

        Liked by 1 person

        1. ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ

          Liked by 1 person

    1. ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love that I can hear your heart speak. I have missed the passion in your writing voice. Bravo๐Ÿ˜˜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I read this early this morning and started cryin’. Lol! I was a damn mess! Feeling better today, so…thank you so much! ๐Ÿ˜‹ Trying to get back to what I know.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Cryin cuz you are real and your on your way back and we all love you and for a moment you remembered yourself I hope. You are a gift to your readers in all your styles and stages.๐Ÿ˜Š

        Liked by 1 person

        1. ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ I don’t even know what to say to that. I took the afternoon to mull it over into a worthy response…and the best I can do is just to say thank you for understanding ๐Ÿ™„ So much.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Perfect response. Shine On๐Ÿ™ƒ

            Liked by 1 person

            1. ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™„

              Liked by 1 person

      2. This is much better as a song but this artist flies under the radar. A Canadian artist that has made her biggest success in Paris. I am sharing the lyrics only but if you can find the song its much stronger. Its been kinda medicine to me as I heal from my recent set back. I am building a castle now.๐Ÿ˜Š
        http://lyrics.wikia.com/wiki/Wendy_McNeill:Building_A_Castle

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Reliving the past, feeds the pain ๐Ÿ’” like picking a healing wound ๐Ÿ˜”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really does. Sometimes I just have to let some of it run off though. Like I say, it comes and goes ๐Ÿ˜ถ

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Iโ€™m not sure why the Annie Lennox song โ€œNo More I Love Yousโ€ came to mindโ€ฆ?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Because that’s an amazing, heartbreaking poetic song! That’s reason enough! ๐Ÿ˜ญ

      Liked by 1 person

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