I remember the feeling of waiting for those words. Each time. Waiting for the space for those words. The I Love You. That final feeling of safety with someone you care for. I remember waiting for it. The sealing up of any unsurety between the two of you. And saying that it was okay to stay. Okay to build. To rest, or repair. Either way, to move forward together.
I remember a long time I was torn on those words because I knew I was not able to give them back. Nevermind how I felt. I couldn’t promise much. And I knew. With my head barely above water for so long.
But when I was. When I was ready. When I was able again. I was. I did. I said. And I meant. I felt. It was beautiful to me again. It was friendship and trust that stayed. Because of those words. And still does.
When the time came again. I was unprepared, but saved by it. I was fading. By myself. Breaking and scared. And I gave that again on my own will. After feeling it for so long. I smiled. I could breathe. It felt amazing to have that again. And to be reassured in the same way. I was there.
We would want someone to feel that. For us. About us. We would want to hear that. To breathe. We would want to know someone was laying somewhere thinking of us. We would want to know that someone could hurt, not because of us, but for us. We would want to be sure there was no risk of rejection. We would want to know there would always be more. Every day. Building. Perfection. And precious.
If none of that was missing. No risk of being deserted or abused. Hurt. Or ever disrespected. If you have the full support and love of another…I guess, I’m just not sure what else there would be to look for. That is what we’re looking for.
We wait. To hear those words. The unsurety resolved. And to rest. To know someone feels us that close. Either in the pleasure of closeness or the pain of distance. It’s everything. Not just a distraction.
I can’t imagine giving that up. But I know how it feels to be told it never happened.
I’m a Big Boy. I have handled a harsh reality or two in my time. Hearts change direction. This is something I understand well. Time marches on. Whether together or apart. Whether you ‘loved’ or didn’t. Whether you ‘said’ you did, or didn’t. Time will continue on. But, once you’ve done it, you can never simply deny you ever surrendered your heart by using those words, and make it so. Although, some days I wish I had that same easy luxury.
Imagine something so amazing as finally having a safe place to put those words and those feelings. To have those words and feelings fed back into you with a met passion behind them.
Now imagine how incredibly foolish and expendable you’ve made me feel. I already know that you can. Only, it wasn’t me.
Time marches on.
…You knew who I was, every step that I ran to you.