The Loss of Other Things

If I can look at it objectively, which sometimes I’m able. I realize that for every harsh preacher I’ve found who walks away from their own bullshit, I’ve found someone who was soft and gentle. Not just someone I thought possessed those qualities.

But it’s easy to overlook the beauty in what you have been given, when all you can think about is wanting all your words back. All the music. When all you know is that you didn’t matter. And were told you were never cared for. Nevermind that whole new level. It wasn’t a thing.

It can feel like you have nothing left. And then I realize that I’ve felt that before. I’ve said it before. And it’s been true before. This time was no different. In any way. Which I suppose I knew. But that isn’t ever something I look for. And it would be the last thing I ever talk myself into. Missing out on caring for someone has never been something I’m anxious to do. That isn’t how it works.

Problem is, I don’t assign transitional purpose or value to my relationships. To place this hurt above any other wouldn’t make sense. And to let the humiliation, disregard and hatred for me overshadow a true friendship wouldn’t make sense. Each relationship is independent of another. Independent hurdles. Independent hurts. Independent lessons. They stay when they stay. They pass when they’re meant to. When it’s time. Regardless of what might already be sitting right in front of me. But, that was obvious, right. Now here I am.

We try again.

It wouldn’t be fair to make someone new meet those ghosts. The ones that hang on. I’ve made that mistake in the past with the wrong people. And it was abused and not tended to properly. I wasn’t expecting it, but I’ve learned to not unnecessarily put myself in that position again. Unfortunately, I do believe that in order for someone to truly care for us, know us and understand us, it is a necessary step that they know our pasts. I will stand by that. To a degree.

That’s where this time was different. It was erased. Like it never happened. So that’s it. I have to live with that. But no one else should have to. Sometimes ghosts are just ghosts. They want what they want. And they’re no match for a warm body that stays. So, I’ll be keeping this one to myself.

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9 thoughts on “The Loss of Other Things

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  1. It’s really hard not to let past relationships interfere with new ones. Each relationship changes you, and you can’t help it. You’re no longer as naive and innocent- it taints things. But you do have to learn to live yourself. That’s hard for some people because we’re often told it’s selfish to care about yourself. The thing is, it’s not selfish- it’s survival

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    1. Or to let new ones interfere with past. But neither here nor there, I suppose. I can definitely see both sides of that, it’s hard to put your best foot forward when you’re letting yourself be held back. Some things just don’t need to be said, and they do at the same time to move on. Catch 22. Fun stuff, this.

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      1. My 1st husband did a number on my head. I am now cold and detached and untrusting. I try my absolute best with my second husband but it takes a toll. I know I’m mot a great wife sometimes. I wrote my post in part today because of anger issues toward “parent”. Every day I try to be a better person but I don’t always succeeed

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        1. Well…time will tell on that, but thank you 😶. I’d hate to think we’re all just trying to settle on what level of bullshit we’ll deal with in someone. Try, try again though right ❤

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    1. I’ve known people who do that as well. It’s not something I understand all that much but I suppose I understand the purpose. 😔 I appreciate the awareness of it too, though. Rather than denying you’ve ever felt that. I’ve always had to spot it through a lot…a lot of denial.

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  2. 1. Not everyone you meet should hear your story. A wonderful Brene Brown quote that I love, “You share with the people who earn the right to hear your story.” Lucky for us, we get to determine who earns it and who does not. Sad for me that I’ve made some pretty poor choices … 😉
    2. If we truly believe that we should accept our pasts, hurt and love and all the mess, as it has made us who we truly are, then I think we also need to accept that we bring all the insecurities and issues into those beautiful relationships with create with other people. I have some trust issues – it’s not fair to a new beau if I automatically don’t trust him, but if we are going to make a real, honest go of things, then he needs to realize that I am that way for a reason, try to empathize with that, and help me work through it. I believe we have to do the same for our partners. We live in a crazy complicated time and I think it’s a falsehood, a fairy tale really, to assume that we can meet someone and not have to deal with their past experiences. If you go in wanting to hide, to not share, then are you really giving it your all? That being said, we don’t need to break the dam either. There’s a balance, but if someone has earned the right to hear your story, they will appreciate you and value that.

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    1. Sigh….I know. It’s simply awful to feel held back that way when I know people absolutely bond with and learn each other over past pains as well as joys. I have made poor choices too but dammit, I just didn’t think they were at the time 😔 Who knows.

      You summed up my feelings here by saying being willing and open but indeed not breaking the dam. It’s a hard line for my personality type to walk. Because I want to truly know that person…and I like the connection. Shallow and fleeting is physically painful for me. So Im always open to accepting those pasts. Always. We are what we are after all. And…sometimes, not often, but sometimes I meet people who encourage me to, and make me feel like I just can’t stop talking, and shouldn’t. I don’t ever expect to have regrets in those circumstances. And, for everything I give up willingly, there are some things I don’t say. But if I’m asked? I will always answer. So I guess I do have some ability to moderate and monitor myself. Like you say, it’s just a balance in discernment…and timing.

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  3. 😶 I do understand. Thank you. I would not fault anyone for moving on from me. The denial of me and that time frame has destroyed me. Nothing else. It’s unfair and incapacitating to have your relationship revised that way. At will. Posthumously. To be shut down. And attempt to make you think that you merely imagined all of it. I can’t think of a worse way to have gotten to me in particular. Or a worse manner of hurt for me. That’s how I can best sum it up.

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