There will always be spaces left over. Places that can’t be filled. Or aren’t. Things are constantly reworking themselves. Settling in. Falling apart. You do the best you can with what you’ve got. Sometimes true. But it may be more the case that you do the best you can with how you’re feeling. Which is often a dangerous thing to be honest about.
I’ve retreated a bit lately. Nothing new. But it’s a problem I’ve battled for decades…when this cold rain and darkness sets in. This is a difficult season to get through. For me. Period.
I’ve tried to make the most of things that make me feel good in the last few months. I’ve tried to make healthy changes. Tried to stay in my literal comfort zone with things that make me smile. Make some plans. Keep my environment and relationships positive. Dig up those old hobbies and bury bad habits. So I am trying.
And trying to keep my mood in order…anymore, I’m not really even concerned with how that sounds. I’ve lost important people by making the mistake of having these shifts. Or at least the mistake of showing them. This is not the time to point out that we all have similar flaws. So I won’t. But I wear mine. And that’s something people can either deal with, or they start looking for greener grass. Which is part of my fear in these moments. When I’m still here.
I’m a lot to take on. A lot to deal with. This is no new revelation to me. There have been a few brave souls, but it won’t be everybody who sees me through. And it hasn’t been. I’m trying to embrace this rather than let it terrify me. I’m confident enough to know the benefits of forging into and through any kind of relationship with me, and I can stand strong knowing the things that *will not* change, even when I constantly am. I know what I’ll give. And what I’ll do. I am a fixer. I am a caretaker…but there are moments I need just as much as anyone else. I need time, and I need attention…and I need to not be left behind because I wasn’t afraid to say I was hurting. I need to be understood.
None of us are ever really done getting our shit together. I’m still getting over a lot. Still healing from an awful lot. Still growing…I’m going to be a Space Case from time to time. Simply put. Trying to hold steady. And trying to receive some grace. Hoping for the best, starting new each day.
I’m still here.