Keeping my Shit Together (i.e. Carrying On)

There will always be spaces left over. Places that can’t be filled. Or aren’t. Things are constantly reworking themselves. Settling in. Falling apart. You do the best you can with what you’ve got. Sometimes true. But it may be more the case that you do the best you can with how you’re feeling. Which is often a dangerous thing to be honest about.

I’ve retreated a bit lately. Nothing new. But it’s a problem I’ve battled for decades…when this cold rain and darkness sets in. This is a difficult season to get through. For me. Period.

I’ve tried to make the most of things that make me feel good in the last few months. I’ve tried to make healthy changes. Tried to stay in my literal comfort zone with things that make me smile. Make some plans. Keep my environment and relationships positive. Dig up those old hobbies and bury bad habits. So I am trying.

And trying to keep my mood in order…anymore, I’m not really even concerned with how that sounds. I’ve lost important people by making the mistake of having these shifts. Or at least the mistake of showing them. This is not the time to point out that we all have similar flaws. So I won’t. But I wear mine. And that’s something people can either deal with, or they start looking for greener grass. Which is part of my fear in these moments. When I’m still here.

I’m a lot to take on. A lot to deal with. This is no new revelation to me. There have been a few brave souls, but it won’t be everybody who sees me through. And it hasn’t been. I’m trying to embrace this rather than let it terrify me. I’m confident enough to know the benefits of forging into and through any kind of relationship with me, and I can stand strong knowing the things that *will not* change, even when I constantly am. I know what I’ll give. And what I’ll do. I am a fixer. I am a caretaker…but there are moments I need just as much as anyone else. I need time, and I need attention…and I need to not be left behind because I wasn’t afraid to say I was hurting. I need to be understood.

None of us are ever really done getting our shit together. I’m still getting over a lot. Still healing from an awful lot. Still growing…I’m going to be a Space Case from time to time. Simply put. Trying to hold steady. And trying to receive some grace. Hoping for the best, starting new each day.

I’m still here.

Sam

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22 thoughts on “Keeping my Shit Together (i.e. Carrying On)

  1. Nadia Czarina Mae October 25, 2017 — 10:45 am

    Still here, too! 🙋🏻

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Nadia Czarina Mae October 25, 2017 — 6:19 pm

        We’ll keep looking for sunshine, right? We can do that! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Something that I’ve learned is that my life is so much happier without those people that don’t or cannot understand the concept of taking care of yourself because it is something you need. Yes, that means a lot fewer people in my life, but those that are there are REALLY there. Wholly and deeply, not just on some surface level that never actually touches anything. It makes the times you do need so much easier to get through because you know those people will understand and help give you what you need.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hallelujah! A *LOT* fewer people! It’s hard to accept but the older I get, the more physical pain I feel with superficial interactions and surface relationships. I suppose I’ve set myself up to feel needy sometimes but like you said, I’m having faith in the people who do honestly understand me to hear it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There is nothing wrong with being needy. Too many people use it as a negative, but it just means that you have needs and are working to find ways to meet them. It isn’t a negative. I need people to show me overtly that they care or I doubt it. It is just the way I’m programed. So many people would view that as being needy, but what is wrong with wanting someone to pick up the phone and say “Hey, I really wanted to talk to you because you are important?” Don’t feel bad for your needs. Feel bad because other’s are too narrow to understand that having them isn’t bad. I’ll pass along a virtual hug any day you need!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It is very often viewed negatively 😞 I need to have less of a problem being open about it because I like to be needed as well…it’s very unfulfilling to feel like someone who can be taken or left, especially in times when I’m lower than usual. When I need that back.

          And thank you so much 🤗 For understanding as well…😊

          Liked by 1 person

  3. At least you’re still writing. I can’t even get fingers to the keyboard (and the big fat bandaid on my thumb doesn’t help matters, either). 🙂

    Hang in, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no! You as well 😊I’ve been wondering where you’ve been!

      Like

  4. Sending hugs Sam. I get it. I really do. As a caretaker myself, we sometimes just need a big hug from someone who cares and understands us. Consider yourself hugged. Sending sunshine your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can imagine you actually really do 😶😶😶 Thank you so much, I need it today!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Not be all cliché but go easy on yourself, you’re likely doing the best you can. And if you are, then that’s the best you can do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, that’s not cliché at all ☺ I need to remind myself of that daily. There will always feel like there’s more I can do no matter what, but I’ve learned to priotitize a lot better in order to…well, keep my shit together for me and everyone else 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Love this. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re welcome! 🤗🤗🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Relationships are about give and take. If it’s all take and no give, that’s not a relationship. It’s using. Whether it’s a friendship or an intimate relationship should make no difference. We all need hugs and nurturing. It’s unfortunate that men are still expected to just grin and bear it. You have a right to express your needs. That takes courage. You got it. Sending you hugs xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Absolutely…And Using is such an ugly word, but the balance can feel impossible. Thank you for understanding! 🤗😊🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  8. People who are not “givers” or are not sensitive souls, or who aren’t interested in personal growth do not have an effing CLUE how exhausting it is to feel like your brain is at least part shapeshifter, and how those of us who ARE the above listed personality types feel like the best we can do some days is just what you said: keep our shit together.

    I think you’re doing all the right things, and just in the short time I’ve been following your writing, I’ve seen growth from this side of things just in the way you seem to handle the hurdles in your life. I see more patience, and the raw honesty you’ve always had is still there, but it has a maturity to it and even more depth.

    Thanks for sharing this. It’s always good to know that there are other people who are dealing with many of my same insecurities.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly…once again you’ve nailed it. It’s completely exhausting feeling like things are switching from side to side.

      I can definitely attest that my patience for most things is higher (lower for BS however), I’m glad it’s at least half way recognizeable. Which I mean sincerely because that was a very tough battle 😊

      You’re welcome! I’m always good for sharing an insecurity or two (or ten)!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. This really hit home. Makes me feel your pain and struggles so profoundly. We will never stop growing and getting our shit together, and unfortunately not everyone will understand that (and some won’t even try). But, keep growing, keep taking the time and space you need to heal and just be; there will be grace at the end of it all. I have to believe that. Thanks for sharing!

    Like

    1. You’re welcome and thank you for understanding 😶 It’s taken a lot of introspection and acceptance of my own shortcomings to not fault others for my reactions, to take responsibility for myself instead and do what I need to to be my best. But yes, I would hope at the very least there is grace somewhere at the end! For myself and from others! Thank you!

      Like

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