Play Me

When I dont run, I’m stopped. Still and thinking. Remembering. Wondering. The fuzz of anxiety begins to stir then plucks behind my sternum. Unassuming. Scoops down out of my stomach. Tries again. More aggressive. Starts to collar me. A sick simulated adrenaline. When I don’t run. So, I do. Blood beating. Pulsing. Sparking the needed override. I do.

When I force sprints, an indirect victory that stifles the twinges. The agitation. Go again. Intake. Push. Keep going. Mechanized. Pounding the ground. Rhythmic. Perfunctory all the way to the mark. Pass it. So I can allow my chest to clear. Finally. On it’s own. Stretching out long on the other side of that imagined line. Assess the vibrations returning to normal. Slow. Now, go again. Now.

Feeding myself, I keep climbing. Till one peripheral burn hints to outweigh emotional ones. Then another. And another. Stronger. Until the superficial becomes palpable. Until I’ve driven myself outside the bounds of the things I can’t control. The ones I can’t change. I want this. To force relief through the matter, and into the body. Every piece. Dilute all other pain. I control this. I control this release. I keep going. Till it all heals.

Sam

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16 thoughts on “Play Me

  1. Loved this, your rhythm made it feel physical as I read it. I could hear the sounds of feet on ground and and feel the relief at the end. Wonderful writing! Makes me want to learn to run.

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    1. Thank you so much! Running has definitely been my savior this past few months. The long winter here was a total bear and never seemed to end. It’s so helpful in reversing all the effects of cabin fever πŸ˜‚

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  2. Control. When so many things are out of sorts we reach for one thing to control. This I understand.

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    1. It’s really no wonder how people get addicted to exercise and exertion. It’s such a healer. And you notice it when it’s gone 😣

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    1. Thanks, Schweets! I’m confidently trying! So ready to be off work for the summer it’s unreal!

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      1. Big grin! May summer come soon for you!!!!

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          1. Let the countdown begin! Yay!

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Using up adrenaline to control panic… that’s what it sounds like. Have I read it correctly or am I missing something? Lots of energy comes through. .

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    1. Absolutely right! It changes my whole perspective. The more of it, the better, and a fantastic mind ‘easer’!

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  4. All I could think of was your knee! Hope it survived πŸ™‚ Sublimation is a wonderful thing to release pent up emotions. That, and throwing darts …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ooh darts!…and a punching bag. Maybe throwing darts *at* a punching bag!

      I’ve had so much PT at this point that I’m fairly safe with the things I like to do. It’s always random things that pop the joint out like pulling the garbage cans in…or vacuuming too aggressively πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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      1. Punching bag with approp. pic attached πŸ™‚ know what you mean ’bout the knee. I have pulled muscles in my back just by sneezing. Super ouch!

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        1. There’s a judgmental ol’ busybody that leads my neighborhood association….I pick HER!!

          YES same! I pinched a nerve in my shoulder sitting on the couch making bracelets with my daughter πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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          1. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

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