I’ve been trying to see a Quiet Place since it came out. I figure it’s something I should see, and that the work will be less for me than with most films. I don’t get a whole lot of chances to go to the show with friends and I’ve always been a little shy to go alone. I don’t know…I’m just not that guy. Actually I probably am. Which is why I don’t do it. We did get a private showing of Black Panther when I was in New York not too long ago. But, before that…I can’t even remember the last non-short person movie I saw at the theater. Probably something in the Iron Man category. Or the last Human Sharkbait type film. (I just Googled “recent movies about killer shark”…it was Shark Night 3D. And it was 2011) In summation, I just don’t go often unless it’s PG and below. Now, ask me about any of those and it’s sure to be in my ticket collection.
My brother and I were practically raised at the theater but as time went on it got progressively more irritating, overstimulating, and, frankly, laborious. If anyone looks away, I’m sunk. Out of frame? Nope. Narration. Forget it. So help me if anyone has an accent to worry about. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. In all senses of those words. Not when I could wait three months to stream it with perfectly portioned off captions at home. That’s usually the Go-To. Which, consequently, has turned my daughter into a phenomenal reader. I found out during Planet Earth II the other night, that she’s actually started to prefer the captions in her old age.
I’ve been dying for movie popcorn ever since our last of six meetings with The Greatest Showman (which, now that I think about it, was followed by Peter Rabbit and Sherlock Gnomes) and our favorite theater has precisely zero kids films right now other than the strange Star Wars offshoot which I’m not that curious about. So we went to our alternate. Why? Show Dogs. Yes, I spent money on that. To be clear, I have been watching these movies since they used to make the dogs bark or chew treats and then just dub in a voice. Then we advanced to animated mouths. Then to entirely CGI animals which seem real enough, buuuuut…talking animals just really aren’t in my Love Wheelhouse outside of cartoons. But the 6 year old is all about it. So we go. I get my popcorn. Yada, yada, yada? We were literally the only people there so she could run around and dance, the story was exciting by most garden variety talking animal movie standards, and it ended up being pretty fun cause we could yell and talk without being shunned and yes that is my gauge of a successful trip to the movies.
While I was sitting staring into the faces of Rottweilers and Papillons (and Will Arnett for that matter), I realized once again why I hate talking animal movies. There is no conceivable way for me to read them. None. Now, is it critical that I’ve missed anything? No…but I paid so I may as well know what the hell is happening. For those of you who have never seen one, this is a CaptiView. Without which I may never have grasped the true meat of Ludacris’ gutwrenching portrayal of Max the police dog turned show dog…in a film described on many sites as “cringe worthy”.