At the Ready

In all the activities of this summer, there have still been pockets, though small and brief. Pockets of quiet. Nothing on the calendar. No plan. No obligation. In even smaller pockets are the times my child will retreat. Away from me. In low vibration. Casually overwhelmed. Retreats to her room. Temperature controlled. Lit for a calming ambience. Soft blankets in her own space. Surrounded by her “things”. White noise of the air purifier…and I am aware that I can not compete.

I am left uneasy as she hides away. In those spaces. Especially when my responsibility is not elsewhere. Not detracting from her. Even though I may understand that need the most. Even though I don’t feel shunned when I myself have chosen ‘alone time’. So few and far between, the instances, they are precious to me. Not causal to being ignored somehow. But more of a reward. A reward for making it through another event, another work day, another piece on the calendar with a brave face and friendly voice. A steady hand. Lucid and engaged. The reward is peace. And disengagement by choice. So I try to be supportive. I try to let it be.

Even though I do understand, and I do. I worry about any one thing becoming a habit. Any one thing becoming a crucial comfort. Any one thing becoming a go-to for emotional survival. Any one thing that can be so unattainable. Any one thing so easily obstructed by life. And by others. That scares me for her. Because I’ve felt it too. The loss of those comforts. And it scares me.

In a moment last week before vacation, I hadn’t seen her most of the day. I asked her to come draw with me. Watch a show. Anything. She was busy with games on her tablet. Passing through for a snack. She was unfazed and content. I walked down to the playroom and spoke out to her. Out into silence. Through the floors separating us. “Just come down. You can bring your tablet. I won’t bother you. I just want to spend time with you.” And it was then I stopped cold in my own tracks. One of those moments. I sounded so familiar. To myself. It was time to look at it.

I was bartering my own silence and a promise to be innocuous…in exchange for time with her. Togetherness. And it begged a very specific question to any possible interaction. What, then, would be the point. How would it be anything but pity. If she relented. How would it be anything but guilt she may feel for having separated herself. That’s not what I’m searching for.

But I know now what this is. And why I do it. It kept me up quite a few nights. But I think I do know.

I could question many things. Till the cows come home. Why she would choose to disengage from me if it isn’t me she’s avoiding. If I care for her, why won’t she allow me to spend time with her. It is in all those questions that I was losing sight of the heart of the reality. My reality. Deeply rooted in an understanding and need of my own privacy and seclusion, my reality is still simply…I need her to know, without fail, that I am here. I need to know, from her, that she knows I care. And that is what I was searching for. Validation of those things. And only those things. It isn’t forced time or conversation that I want. Ever.

In desperation for that validation, I bargain myself down to silence. Vow to speak only when spoken to. To be on standby for needs and interaction. Genuinely. Regardless. When I am not needed, for anything, I have to step outside of my own questions. I have to let her be. I have to support the disengagement. I have to accept that I am not as valuable to her as her withdrawal from me in those times…learning as I go.

…And I have to trust that she knows I am here. And that I care.

Sam

11 thoughts on “At the Ready

  1. I suspect she knows that Sam. So she is comfortable and content in the safety of her niche.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Her niche indeed. It’s quite an oasis which I guess was my intent. Im glad she has a place she feels relaxed away from noise, the dogs and well, me!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes she knows but you know a lot of the distance is caused by “the tablet”.

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    1. She only gets it an hour a day. I happened to ask her to engage with me during that private time. When she spends time in her room she’s reading or playing with her toys. Sometimes I feel guilty that she’s alone even if by her choice 😔

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t…We all need alone time just not too much of it.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Raising girls is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was worth it in the end but oh so darn hard. They are very intuitive though. They know and will come back to you in time. Mine is 45 now. It wasn’t easy but worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad to hear this perspective! I feel it’s a rollercoaster of emotions every day. For them AND me 😭😭😭 I think it’s going to be a tumultuous coming school year for sure. So much has changed in our home and lives. I need to step back and take a breath every so often. Thank you for the encouragement!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad you’re back. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That remains to be seen! Ain’t been feelin it, Sister!!

      Thank ya 😂

      Like

  5. Well she’s in the same house as you. I know for me when I need space and quiet I want them either gone, but not far, or here, but not near. Does this make sense?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I legitimately lolled at this because, yes it makes perfect sense and consequently describes the effect I have on most people apparently.

      But all “kidding” (emphasize quoty fingers) aside, I do understand. She is very much that way. Sometimes she gets ensconced in her own things then ‘Oh! Wait. Where is he?!’ Sort of like when they’re little and they can’t sleep unless they know you’re still awake?

      Liked by 1 person

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