Here we are again, scooting quietly into yet another schoolyear. It hardly seems a year since I started this countdown last. But the very same. Only these things are no longer new. No longer unknown. They are now very familiar. And, as I’ve said, part of me.
September marks my New Year. It’s when chances begin again for most things. The clock restarts. Hope is renewed in things that once went wrong. Another attempt to be better. Trying again, resolutions begin, not in January, but here. For me. Further filling out towards that self actualization we’re told doesn’t actually exist.
…But, I disagree. Though I do recognize the validity in wondering if we are ever truly whole. Actualized.
September 4th is not a day I hold dear. Last year it broke me. Quietly. And the year before that, my family’s life changed in the blink of an eye. I stayed quiet. It is not a good time for me. But one in which I still hold out hope for that renewal. Again and again. It is a strange lingering darkness. That allows me enough, somehow, to still hear whispers to Keep going. That Everything is beginning again. And I do believe it.
Between the last, and this upcoming day of excitement, fear and a new start, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve taught myself my own boundaries, which I have not always known. I’ve come to see that grace and patience for the healing of those close to me has taught me to be more tolerant of my own need for those same things. And that there is no shame in those needs. As well as dignity in standing strong for another. Even quietly.
I am not a “natural born world shaker”. There are challenges I’m prepared for in these next days, and many I am not. But as quietly as I choose to do everything else, I’ll head in self assured of my own abilities in what I do, and still scared as fuck of being pushed aside or silenced.
The day will come. And the day will pass. I will breathe. And I will be the same person when the next morning comes. Just better. Braver.