I experienced a shift last night, away from these last few difficult weeks. Waking up to new color. Renewed vibration. Clarity. And I was able to sort out some things…I just didn’t know.
With so much electricity constantly transferring, so many messages flowing in and out along the wires, so many memories replaying on the film roll, so very many things unsaid that dance in my head at all hours, mistakes I made that can’t be undone, timing that fell in my weakest and most frightened moments cursing my now strong ones, apologies I couldn’t make, faces, words, songs, laughter, broken hope, guilt, embarrassment and desperation…well…I had to stop. And I had to breathe. I had to grab hold of me. Right then.
…Because, what showed itself to me was this…there is absolutely nothing I can do. Not any longer. I was reminded of Glinda telling the Wicked Witch, “Be gone! You have no power here”…only, I am the Witch…*and* Glinda. And I have to accept the reality of that particular self talk.
With everything coming in to me, taking on the color of feeling and being completely powerless, no good could come back out. I was stopped up. Quietly spurting, struggling and sputtering runoff. In rotation and cycling. Revisiting to no healing. No true processing taking place. No true acceptance of things. Of the good. And, at my heart, that is where my beliefs lie. In embracing The Good. And reflecting that for myself and others. That has been my way to healing.
…And. Apologies don’t make things go away. But I’ve come far enough to find the courage to make them. I pray one day that will count for something. My mistakes have roused themselves asking for validation from me. To ask that I not forget they are there. And the part they played in my growth. And I see them. But, conversely to this, I ask forgiveness for my once guarded nature. As we all have one to some degree. I acknowledge what I put forth in distrustful times, I acknowledge being afraid to face myself all at once. I accept that it has taken me two years of work to grow into my skin and apologize for the damage and doubt I’ve caused. I apologize for my foolishness and bad judgment. I see and accept that I have sabotaged myself with my own behavior in the past when I did not know better. I will account for all of this. I will own this.
There are tragedies behind me, as many of us, but also years of joy and hope for wonderful things in the future. There are experiences to share and care to be given, but also battles and challenges I face each day that I have to allow myself to hold. There is purpose and passion, but also damage I seek every day to heal. There is kindness and great soul, but also pain I will carry forever that is part of me. Sometimes that will be hard to hide. There is depth in me that takes more than a few months to know. I do take pride in that even in light of the burden it’s brought my heart.
Giving up has never been in me. Bracing myself and working through when the dam breaks and the water rises has been. Today, I am breathing. Today, I know that I am not done treating my thoughts and expression with tenderness. I’m not done with me. I will stay right here. A little older. A little better each day. Wearing the sum of my parts.