Don’t Let Me Let You Go

I experienced a shift last night, away from these last few difficult weeks. Waking up to new color. Renewed vibration. Clarity. And I was able to sort out some things…I just didn’t know.

With so much electricity constantly transferring, so many messages flowing in and out along the wires, so many memories replaying on the film roll, so very many things unsaid that dance in my head at all hours, mistakes I made that can’t be undone, timing that fell in my weakest and most frightened moments cursing my now strong ones, apologies I couldn’t make, faces, words, songs, laughter, broken hope, guilt, embarrassment and desperation…well…I had to stop. And I had to breathe. I had to grab hold of me. Right then.

…Because, what showed itself to me was this…there is absolutely nothing I can do. Not any longer. I was reminded of Glinda telling the Wicked Witch, “Be gone! You have no power here”…only, I am the Witch…*and* Glinda. And I have to accept the reality of that particular self talk.

With everything coming in to me, taking on the color of feeling and being completely powerless, no good could come back out. I was stopped up. Quietly spurting, struggling and sputtering runoff. In rotation and cycling. Revisiting to no healing. No true processing taking place. No true acceptance of things. Of the good. And, at my heart, that is where my beliefs lie. In embracing The Good. And reflecting that for myself and others. That has been my way to healing.

…And. Apologies don’t make things go away. But I’ve come far enough to find the courage to make them. I pray one day that will count for something. My mistakes have roused themselves asking for validation from me. To ask that I not forget they are there. And the part they played in my growth. And I see them. But, conversely to this, I ask forgiveness for my once guarded nature. As we all have one to some degree. I acknowledge what I put forth in distrustful times, I acknowledge being afraid to face myself all at once. I accept that it has taken me two years of work to grow into my skin and apologize for the damage and doubt I’ve caused. I apologize for my foolishness and bad judgment. I see and accept that I have sabotaged myself with my own behavior in the past when I did not know better. I will account for all of this. I will own this.

There are tragedies behind me, as many of us, but also years of joy and hope for wonderful things in the future. There are experiences to share and care to be given, but also battles and challenges I face each day that I have to allow myself to hold. There is purpose and passion, but also damage I seek every day to heal. There is kindness and great soul, but also pain I will carry forever that is part of me. Sometimes that will be hard to hide. There is depth in me that takes more than a few months to know. I do take pride in that even in light of the burden it’s brought my heart.

Giving up has never been in me. Bracing myself and working through when the dam breaks and the water rises has been. Today, I am breathing. Today, I know that I am not done treating my thoughts and expression with tenderness. I’m not done with me. I will stay right here. A little older. A little better each day. Wearing the sum of my parts.

Sam

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Don’t Let Me Let You Go

  1. Are you being kinda hard on yourself.. Let go and let God.

    Like

  2. Thank you for writing this. Iโ€™ve been in these depths and I donโ€™t always see a light anymore. Itโ€™s nice to read that thereโ€™s someone else out in the verse who also has the drive to improve in the midst of the chaos.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That chaos can be overwhelming. It’s a weight that stops you in your tracks. But I feel control of me in moving forward, I just have to do it while looking in at the same time. And Im not great at doing both at the same time..not always. Its good to hear from you, Im loving your ‘Pops’ ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. I havenโ€™t been very active anywhere lately. Life imploded and Iโ€™m very much stuck. I take steps every day and end up getting pushed back. Itโ€™s tiring. Who knows what the future holds ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ … I need to start writing again, but am lost where to start.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Nor have I ๐Ÿ˜ฎ I understand completely. When we think we are making progress, we end up having to take some steps back for a time. And it is exhausting. I fully recommend writing as you’re well aware yourself already. I can barely put 10% of mine here because-thoughts are a jumble sometimes. It’s the only way to *de*jumble…words.

          Like

  3. ๐Ÿ™‚ you are strong. And good. And I’m glad things look clearer for you today.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yesterday, i felt like I needed to step away from this page until the year wraps up…but it’s not the answer I need. I just needed some clarity which only comes with time. I can be patient with myself, but I don’t like being off my feet for long….thank you so much, Dubya ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—

      Liked by 1 person

  4. One step at a time. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely! That’s our motto here…Baby Steps. It’s been a rough week of coming to terms with some realities I wanted to deny. But I’m feeling good. Excited to have some focus ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—

      Liked by 2 people

  5. You’re a champ Sam! What you’re doing is damn hard work. And it can only be done in layers ‘cos you have to stop and rest, let the release and growth consolidate so it is strong and lasting. Baby Steps are the best steps xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ I am understanding the concept of these layers and spirals more and more. Which does make it a little easier each time. And I’m just a bit better for it each time. Thank you for understanding โ˜บ

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have done so much of this work myself, Sam. I know just how hard it can be. But so empowering. Do look after yourself. Rebirthing a new you takes courage. You need to be gentle on yourself. And give yourself time to consolidate the newness before you tackle the next layer. So hit the hiking trail sometime soon, Sam. Give nature a chance to ground you and work its healing magic on your psyche ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you so much ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ Starting counseling for all this last week has been a great help. Its sort of felt like I can purge and walk away from the meeting feeling a little less burdened. Cycling through then taking a few steps ahead from it. Just a few but that’s okay. You mentioned hiking and it seemed like a distant memory! ๐Ÿ˜ It’s been so long since that fit into the schedule! But just today online I found a huge forest canopy trail about 2 hours away so that’s my next bullet point. It looked amazing!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. That all sounds so good, Sam. Baby steps is the best for shedding. You can’t peel it all away too fast. It will leave you feeling too raw. Looking forward to seeing photos of your forest canopy walk ๐Ÿ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Absolutely! One foot in front of the other. Annnnd through the treetops! ๐Ÿ˜Š๐ŸŒฒ๐ŸŒฒ๐ŸŒฒ

              Liked by 1 person

  6. Sending you healing hugs โ™ฅ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Janie ๐Ÿ˜Š I’m looking forward to catching up with you soon…

      Like

      1. Sounds wonderful. Until then… ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close