Insecurity and the Tail End of my Ugly Dog

I talk a lot about insecurity. And not in an I’ll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours type of way. I’m just out with it these days. Because, I’ve learned a few important things in the last three years. So, I may talk about insecurity a lot…But I’m not sure it could ever be enough.

It’s not so fine a line to walk, whether you expose these things up front. Or whether you try to meet the standard you perceive someone has of you…or, the standard they’ve said they have of you. Blurrier yet, a standard expected of you as a man. High or low.

So, what exactly are the options here. Well…bypass all that bullshit and lay everything out. I’d rather call myself out than have someone else beat me to it. It’s happened and I’m still recovering. Or have anyone assume the worst of me because they won’t speak with me or ask. It’s happened and I am very much not recovered.

This particular lesson was in realizing that, it’s there. These things are there. They are part of me. They come with me like a raggedy old dog. SURPRISE! Well…the surprise is actually what I would like to avoid going forward 😣 Because, let’s face it. If you drag a raggedy dog in behind you, he’s going to show up where ever you do. There’s no hiding it for very long. Or, “Oh him? Yeah, I was gonna mention that.” Because now, the impression is painted that you’ve been evasive, and left things out. You tried to hide that uncomely dog. You wanted to talk about it…you genuinely did.

You will be taken as someone wishes to take you, regardless. But I feel much better about myself when I am free to explain my struggles, insecurities, shortcomings, quirks, mistakes, fears…and deep seated issues that, believe me, I am *well* aware of, and try to be as open as I can about. I don’t frankly believe that denying the ugly parts of ourselves does anything but cause our failed patterns to repeat. And repeat. I would have no right to complain if I never changed a thing about myself, and still expected the results to be different for me. Nor would it be reasonable of me to expect vulnerability and openness in others, if I was locked down like Fort Knox emotionally. In other words, I would never ask for something I couldn’t give back.

Now let’s talk about that word. Free. As in, ‘Free to explain‘. But, ain’t nothin’ free in life except that third ride on the CTA! There is a price you pay in being open. A price you will always pay in allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerable to insult, judgment, assumptions, abandonment. You name it…you’re basically a bleeding animal carcass once you admit your weaknesses. Sometimes it’s treated tenderly. You can’t know. Either way, I’m proud of that blood. Proud to lay there. At least then there is an earthly chance I’ll be understood and possibly accepted for who I am. At least then I’m not hiding. And never have. I never moved. I never left.

So, I don’t mind bleeding now and again. I have made mistakes. I fucked up a lot when I didn’t know any better. Everyone has at some point. I can’t change any of it now, but I can learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. Repair them if possible. My insecurities do not equal an insecure person. I am evolved enough to know that much. They are the very things that make me exactly who I am.

…I was teased most of my life for being too skinny. I was teased as a child for being poor. I was teased by my father for crying. My mother openly mocked and taunted my trypophobia. My family had a violent home invasion when I was eight years old that still affects the way I live my life. I am an introvert. I have a permanent wire behind my front teeth to keep them straight because they weren’t always. I struggled with alcoholism for almost two years. I have a heart condition and one knee that barely works. I get left out. I am embarrassed that my eyes are different and my ears are crooked and unmatched. I am deaf. I have nightmares more than not. I still get made fun of as an adult for my speech patterns and the way I talk. I feel like an outcast daily because of how I have to interact with people. I get teased for being in the background at events and gatherings. I am medicated for anxiety. I am in grief counseling. My children are abuse survivors. I am an abuse survivor. And as a grown man and father, I have been called meek and afraid by someone I dearly loved.

…And there is just the tail end of that ugly ass dog…Sorry, he goes where I go. SURPRISE!

I have a right to be private about my home. That is the one thing I leave myself in order to protect my children, when I choose to be open about everything else. Through all this, who I am has never changed. I value myself and others. I am not “a mess”. I am not weak. I am confident. I am quiet. Living with a purpose I finally feel I am fulfilling. I mess up a LOT, but make it a point to learn and be better each day. I may be done repeating immature and gross patterns in this life, but I still know what I want. That hasn’t changed either. And I’m trying to lay it out as much as I fucking can.

Oh…and I’m terrified of whales.

Sam

Advertisements

43 thoughts on “Insecurity and the Tail End of my Ugly Dog

  1. You’ve never been more open and honest. Sometimes I read you twice to try and ‘get’ what you’re touching on. Not here. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad, and thank you! I know you can understand a lot of these communication struggles that lead to effect *so* many other parts of us! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ya know, whales are pretty terrifying if you really think about them lol they are HUGE! And can swallow a human. Not cool haha

    In all seriousness though, it’s hard to be open and honest about the things that make us vulnerable or scared to open up. We build walls because we know that we’ve been hurt before and it’s hard to get past that. Sometimes it’s even hard to admit those things to ourselves. It’s even harder to bring them to another person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nope…no whales! Too much pinocchio when I was little. I was terrified of the whale segment πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      For me, some things are more difficult depending on the other person. I think my biggest battle is my perception of what someone thinks of me. I’ve realized that if I let that get in my way, no one is going to ever know me, and if I’m being judged regardless it will all be irrelevant anyhow. So…I have a ‘what you see is what you get’ mindset which I think is okay as long as you are treating others kindly.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh yeah I totally understand that it depends on the person. For the most part I’m a β€œwhat you see is what you get” person too but I do hold back a little bit of me because not everyone needs to see that side of me. When I’m in a relationship, that person sees it but that’s about it. And I totally agree – being kind is the most important thing!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Whew Sam, that’s laying it out on the line and I think YOU’RE AWESOME!! I wish more people could/would lay it out on the line more often. I myself want to stay vulnerable and be authentically me – others may like me or not – it’s freeing to be able to show our shaggy pups out there, but it’s also scary. I feel like I am who I am. I continue to learn, to grow and to better myself, but I’m still me. I really like your post and I applaud you for writing it! I may do a similar one for me on my blog. FYI: I had to look up trypophobia as I had never heard of it. As for the whales, they don’t bother me, but I have a fear of heights and bridges that I’m working through at this time. Big hugs to you and that lovable raggedy pup. β™₯

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Janie! I love that you’re considering a similar post! I look forwsrd to itπŸ€— …I left out being pigeon toed, lolol.

      I agree! It’s been sort of an exciting time the last few months, if not intensely grueling, growing more into myself than I feel I ever have. My eyes have been processing change instead of resisting it. It’s just all in how you use what you see to motivate yourself!!!

      Like

      1. Exactly Sam!! Well put! I think we’re all shedding the armor and allowing ourselves to shine as we are supposed to be doing! I can see you sparkling from here!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Almighty God love every part of you.Love him back and you will be fine.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nice to meet you (and your ugly dog πŸ™‚ ) Sam! I really like that you introduced us to him. I have always wanted to do the same – but my blog is followed by too many relatives that I am not comfortable with (parents included). But I am happy for you and setting it all free!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! I hear you! I have two close friends here and a cousin who reads and they know it all already anyway! I’m thinking about parents reading and I can’t even imagine the level of disinterest my father would have in this page!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ He’d probably say “oh, bitch.bitch.bitch!” LOL

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hahahaha – I just laughed out loud – that’s funny!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow Sam. Just WOW! My respect and love for who you are in every respect, right down to the last little cell of you, has just skyrocketed! You rock xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your sweet comments keep getting spammed cause I have “xxx” flagged! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I can’t believe I’m announcing that out loud, lolol. But I find them eventually!

      Thank you so much! It’s been wonderful letting some of these things out that I keep with me. I think more than I anticipated has come out in counseling for other issues entirely! Phew πŸ˜₯ It’s nice!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll have stop the x’ing then! Take it as a given instead πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You can still X, it just can’t be three, Lololol! It will think you’re a Russian Spambot πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Oooh – I will restrict the x’ing to a tidy and acceptable one or two then. Although I am originally a close neighbour of Russia (Finland), def not a Spambot πŸ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

  7. Now I just have to come back and say I knew about the ear thing – ‘cos. But not about the eyes. You are in the best of company. My mum had different coloured eyes. She was awesome too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. How unique, I love that! Mine are the same, sort of ‘dog’ color…but they are very different and become more different the longer I look. But like the ears I’ve come to terms with it and try to embrace it. πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s what makes you YOU! Celebrate it πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Love this. Love your authenticity and your willingness to be that “carcass” and all of the things that make you the wonderful man that you are and continue to try and improve upon. I’m so glad we met.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Dubya!! I have so far to go but I’m excited, I am learning to be comfortable and peaceful with me rather than struggling against that current. I’m glad we met as well! How have you guys beeeen??!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. BUUUUUSY!!! Omg. The liquidation I’m currently working is either going to be my greatest achievement or my worst professional failure. The jury is still out! But all is happy, healthy and autumn-like here in the ‘Sip, so I gots no complaints.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh good! I’m thinking of the Lego Movie where he hollers, “I BELIEVE IN THIS LOST CAUSE!”….I’m pretty sure he was talking about the liquidation πŸ˜‚

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Lost causes are my life’s work!

            Like

            1. Well….mine may be too, who knows!

              Like

  9. I understand, Sam, and sympathise. More to the point, I empathise. Also, I wish I could be this honest in a blog – I’ve tried so many times in the past (not in my colouring blog as it’s not a ‘personal’ one per se) but have always then felt too exposed to continue – and mostly that feeling is something within myself.

    For what it’s worth, I like people who are human, and you’re the most human person I’ve come across online. x

    Like

    1. Thank you so much! Do you have a second page I could follow? I LOVE the coloring one. It’s so interesting to me and I always look forward to your posts!
      I think we do put a lot of limits and labels on ourselves in what we keep and what we give out. Some are given to us as well but I try to remember if I want to be understood and encourage others that understanding for them is there as well, It’s best that I be open. It also helps me figure myself out which is priceless. The thing I appreciate most in others is self awareness, because I know how scary it can be!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t have another page (I think you mean blog?) at the moment, but have been thinking about it. If I get a new one can I email you?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Absolutely! Let me know if you start a second. I’ve never run two blogs at once but I know people make it work, lol. My email that hooks up here is sdc.700 at Yahoo

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Thanks, Sam. πŸ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

  10. I love this post. I too think you’re awesome (not usually a word I use) and wonderful in so many ways, not least your willingness to be open and vulnerably human.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much 😊😊😊 I don’t use that word much either and it’s funny cause whenever I do say it I always say ‘I don’t ever say that’ lol. That and when I catch myself saying “cool” a million times.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I mean whales have huge mouths, huge! Those are good instincts there. πŸ™‚ Thank you for sharing so openly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! They’re terrifying! You’re welcome, thank you for being here! πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

      Liked by 1 person

  12. What I have learned in my 62 years, is WHEN to reveal the ugly parts of myself to others and to whom. I was always blabbering away my deep inner shit to anyone and everyone that would sit for one minute to hear it, or maybe someone I was about to date…this often proved unhelpful to me and to them. I keep things closer to my chest now (in oh so many ways) and choose carefully those I wish to share. Not everyone is worthy of hearing my story when you get right down to it, and not everyone is interested. I can be honest and truthful and my whole self, while keeping private parts….well, private. Just like I don’t run around naked wherever I go either…we save special parts of ourselves for those certain loved ones who truly care to know all of us. Very wonderful post as usual my friend. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a hard balance how much to share with someone that you genuinely want to know you, with what is going to chase others away as too much, or cause misconceptions. There are a few hardline things I hold safely to myself until I know I *am* safe sharing it, that I don’t bend on. But for the most part, if someone asks (at times even if they dont) I open the book on it because it’s all part of me. Thank you so much for sharing this with me and for understanding 😊😊😊

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close