Work in Progress

I’ve spent the last two years tackling most of these to at least a moderate win. To be sure, my health. Which by last summer was well enough once again to coach tennis in 90 plus degree temps. All day. I’ve had some setbacks to staying on track lately. But when I look at those setbacks closer, they weren’t necessarily matters of physical health. If at all. It was a matter of all these pieces not quite coming together. Because of me. And things I’ve been overlooking.

Forgiveness and gratitude give me no pause. They never have. They’ve saved me many a time and I never set them aside. And, in my home we are well versed in practicing both along with a mantra of Baby Steps. Small victories carry far more motivation and sense of accomplishment than sitting in the shadow of one seemingly unattainable goal. These three make up a great deal of this mental health picture. They lend to positivity. They make life easier to carry. They lend to physical health and taking care of your body by taking care of your mind.

In seeing this a few days back, I started assessing all these components. Together. My first instinct was to read it and say, “okay…so what the hell is the problem?” To which I quickly answered, “…Oh yeah. *That*…and *that*“.

I am not anyone who speaks about boundaries. Ever. Because I pride myself on being receptive. Welcoming. But I’m realizing this is not what boundaries truly are. It’s not what’s meant by creating your space. While I do acknowledge that “no” is a complete sentence, it’s something I felt I had better control over than that. An adage I didn’t need to keep at the ready. Because Yes and No didn’t figure into me forging my own boundaries. Surely, I had more control of my space than that. But looking closer at it has made me realize I was viewing it in the verbal sense. The simplistic sense. But it’s far more complicated than words. And it’s allowed me to see that it is actually, and not so simply, a matter of what we will and will not allow of ourselves. It’s about limiting our accessibility to others. And if I’m being real, this was not an ideal that I was at all familiar with. At all. A matter of a nonverbal Yes or No, creates a new space of what I will and will not allow of myself. While still, very much, being as receptive as ever. Something I absolutely don’t plan on changing. Accessibility is another story entirely. Now.

Last. The big one. Value. I’m not blind or small enough to place more importance on myself than is realistic. Where we may be the living end to one, we may be a shake of dust to another. We can not matter equally to everyone. There is always someone more sparkly that will roll through. Some other distraction to take our place. Some other ‘friend’. If we fit, and are convenient, it’s apt to go off without a hitch. If we’re worth more than that? Attachment and true worth. To be more clear, Need. If we happen to be so lucky. That would be the goal. For me anyway. So, importance is one thing. But Value is so much more loaded a word. And more complex. Importance can figure in in those convenient times. Fair weather, in a sense. Actual value insinuates something worth keeping. Worth trying. Regardless. Something you wouldn’t want to lose. Worth.

So, for these two years, I’ve been rebuilding. Working towards being valued again. Worth a damn again. And, the kicker, valuing myself and believing it myself again. It’s been difficult to say the least. And part of that, I realize, is working on giving what I, too, would love and appreciate. To be what I would value. In another…and in myself. To not just preach about what I purport to deserve, but to actually earn it from those around me. And reflect on myself when I have, in fact, dropped the ball. And the rebuild continues. Maybe two more years. Maybe ten. Re-learning that, at the very least, I do have worth outside of those convenient times. Useful only when I’m useful. Rebuilding from only having importance and being sought out in times of sheer desperation or boredom. I am rebuilding, again and again, from being a Distraction and a Novelty. And that, my friends, is a hard ass pill to swallow at 40. It’s going to take me some time.

With my physical health forever on the gradual upswing, forgiveness and gratitude in tact, and acknowledgment of Baby Steps, I look forward to strengthening my value where I have failed, and implementing some new boundaries…as pliable as they may end up being. Necessary. In hopes of bringing this picture together in full and being what I want to be for myself and others. And being able to stand proudly behind it. Not just preaching it. But working towards being more than anyone’s damn painkiller. I’ve got pain of my own to think about.

And with that…Have a great weekend, Friends. I’ll be here.

Sam

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11 thoughts on “Work in Progress

  1. I hope to always be a “work in progress”. I am comfortable in my own skin and happy with who I am, but I hope to continue to grow and learn as long as live.
    Looks like you’ve got the same idea 👍💌

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was an excellent… excellent piece. I’m smiling and enjoying my coffee even more, while reading it. The word ‘Boundary (ies)’ has gathered around it, a negative stigma….of pushing away and being distant…. untouchable even, and exclusive. Really, boundaries are meant to be healthy and positive. In fact without them, our hearts are hurt more than they should be. While reading your post, I thought of those novelty toys that you get for a child’s birthday party. They are exciting at first, then that excitement wears off, and the toy is thrown in a corner or thrown out. It’s a Blessing to be accessible, just like it’s a blessing to access…..and not feel used up for anothers convenience then tossed. There has to be balance in life, with our boundaries, our availability……and let’s face it….. doesn’t that change like time? Adaptability is so necessary in our progress and awareness in life. Accepting change and not always viewing it as a negative (I’m learning this a lot). When you’re looked at as the healer and not the one needing healing, some people don’t know how to handle that. I always say, we are flesh and bone. Though resilient we may be….we ALL still break. We always need put back together again. Hopefully our arms aren’t where our legs belong and our legs aren’t where our arms belong😂😂😂. Hey, as long as we can move! As long as we are progressing, growing, building one another up, and knowing when to say STOP. I NEED HELP TOO. ❤

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    1. I really, up till not too long ago, never considered those boundaries needing to change along with time. And of course they do. With everything that ‘*does* change, of course our emotional output would also change along with what we’re taking in. What we allow in giving and ‘recieving’. Survival is never an end product, but constantly tempering healing with damage. The act is resilience, the function is survival! In all the altering of ourselves in this and progress, hopefully with a forward momentum, is growth, chile!

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      1. I think also, boundaries change with situations in life. Which I think is pretty much the same as changing along with time. It’s easy recieving but it requires more effort to give. It’s hard and very very draining giving so much emotionally and not getting back, with that same intensity. I’ve learned that it’s impossible and wrecks our emotions. BOUNDARIES! They have to have a forward momentum, like we do.
        ‘The act is resilience, the function is survival!’ True, Chile!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Woo, Chiiiile!

          You would think it would be common knowledge that boundaries would need to change as we do. But for a previously Boundaries-Challenged individual, this is all new territory for me!!

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          1. It is for all of us…..but some of us think we always have it together and know these things straight away. We all need these reminders and lessons.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. 😭 I *know* I don’t have it all together! That’s all I know straight away. 😭

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            2. Me neither! I wish someone would have told me that I didn’t have to change my whole number to establish boundaries😂. I liked my old number and had to provide it all over again in documents.

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            3. Yeah that shouldn’t be necessary to keep out the toxicity 😣😣😣

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            4. I know. But it *did* work. I think for the sort of strength I needed at that time, that was a pretty courageous and necessary move, to rid of the poison in my life…..I would not do it again though 😭. Some people don’t just go away, or respect boundaries until you leave them with no choice.

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            5. You could just move to the woods too. Get a meat dehydrator. And a meat rehydrator.

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