Catching My Breath

As I close in on 41 here in the next few days, I realize how misplaced my focus has been over my last few birthdays. My energies depleted through unhealthy thought cycles and attachments that I could not break from. And how tired I truly was. I did get out to the woods for a few days last year for me, which I enjoyed. Such is my plan this year as well so long as the weather holds out. I’m looking forward to packing my bookbag with some new mindfulness practices that I’ve been dying to wade through and, out in the sunshine would be more than beautiful. Alongside a recently rekindled love for Tai Chi from my old Chicago days. Trusty FitBit…always that.

In gravitating back towards my long forgotten mental health strongholds, along with the physical repair and strengthening, I have felt a purity in myself return that I have not felt in ages. To feel clean of shame or embarrasment. To feel clean of pain or regret. To feel my blood run clean. It is invaluable. It is the peace of allowing my spirit to free itself of the damage it has been holding on to. That of myself and others.

Where I didn’t too much celebrate it after I had kids, I am going to spend this birthday wisely, in reflection and in gratitude for growth. In celebration of commitment to my children and the work I love. I know why I remain here and my purpose will not be squandered another time. I do not need another second chance. For anything.

Pain does not happen overnight. It builds as it attaches to your vulnerabilities. As they weaken. Over time. The pain builds and seems to draw to itself more of the same. An unending cycle. Until you realize you’ve carried it all a ways. And that you’ve done it for years. It does not happen overnight. And your healing will not take place overnight. Or even a weekend. It is just as much a process as you regain strength in those injured vulnerabilities. Reinforce the positives. Steel yourself in your own humility. Soothe your soul right where it is beginning again. And rebuild. This is an honest labor of love. And not one wasted.

As I walk this weekend, in my backpack will be two notebooks. One new and untouched. Ready for all it will hold one day. One well traveled. Battered, worn and extremely close to my heart. It needs to be let go of. In a place that I love. I’ve carried it all a ways. And I’ve done it for years.

Sam

63 thoughts on “Catching My Breath

  1. Happy early birthday Sam! I hope you find that peace you are looking for!

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    1. Thank you! I’m keepin the faith for now πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

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      1. ps: birthday!!!! Are we having a blog party? You should totes have a blog party lol just so I can *throws glitter* on it

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        1. πŸ˜‚ Well… I have absolutely NO idea what that is, but since the term includes one of my least favorite things in life, I’m gonna have to say probably not!? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I did eat glitter on a cheese stick last night though so that *definitely* counts as having celebrated! πŸ€—πŸŽˆπŸŽπŸŽ‰

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          1. LOL well usually blog parties are where you drop the link to your blog to promote, but I just make a birthday post every birthday and let people tell me happy birthday lots and lots of time to feel loved hahaha!!! So that’s what I meant.
            And I’m pretty sure a glitter cheese stick isn’t healthy for you. Nor is it celebrating. CUPCAKES!!!!!

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            1. I missed the cupcake boat 😭 but for some reason Target had USA 4th of July sugar cookies already. Yoink!!!

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            2. WHAT?! Why do you Americans always drag everything out? Lol elections lasting five hundred years, cookies for holidays that are two months away πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

              *whispers* can I have a cookie please?

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            3. I don’t know, I’m not much on fanfare myself. But as my grama always said, “they didn’t ask me”…I keep waiting but 😣 I am but a humble peasant in matters of corporate marketing machines and US government. Cryy!

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            4. Haha! Okies Okies but what’s the word on that cookie? πŸͺπŸ˜‚

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            5. Quite literally? “U.S.A.”! πŸ˜‚ And they will turn your teeth blue….*or* red. Your choice. The sky’s the limit really!

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            6. Haha! I meant are you going to share 😝 I want a red one please

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            7. I know but in this case the cookies actually had writing! Okay, red toofers for you πŸ€—

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  2. Maybe you can teach me. πŸ’•

    Enjoy. I too escape to nature…today a bike ride that took me to a light beacon in Lake Ontario, at the end tip of a panhandle. The rain hit the moment I stepped back into my house. πŸ™‚

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    1. I don’t do it much anymore, and the jaunts became way shorter with WAY more space in between. But I feel like even a short break in focus from the typical house hustle is going to do me a world of good 😣😣😣

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  3. Happy Birthday Sam. Take time to celebrate how far you have come. Good things are on their way.

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    1. Thank you! I am looking forward to some quiet reading time most of all. Regrouping before the kids summer whirlwind 😣😣😣

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      1. I remember those days

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  4. Happy Birthday! It’s all a process

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    1. So true, exhausting in all ‘sortsa ways! Thank you very much πŸ€—

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  5. Hope you have a wonderful birthday celebrating the happy focused you!

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    1. Thank you Robyn! Hopefully the rain stops and I won’t have to camp out in a mud swamp πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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  6. yes…Happy birthday and enjoy

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  7. Happy birthday, Sam! There is nothing more healing than getting out into nature! Enjoy!!

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    1. Thank you, Lisa! I am looking forward to it, even if it gets bumped back a few weeks, I’ll take it πŸ™ŒπŸ™ŒπŸ™Œ

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  8. Ah, the woods… The mountains. The ocean, lakes, rivers, meadows… Nature is always so healing and cleansing.
    I hope you have a few super cool pens for your new notebook. I’m a terrible pen fiend, myself. Forget shoes, clothes or whatever else I’m supposed to want. Give me pens and I’m happy happy happyπŸ˜‚
    I hope Friday is fantastic πŸŽ‚ πŸŽ‰ and the whole weekend is wonderful πŸ•πŸŒŒπŸŒ πŸŒžπŸŒ»πŸŒ³πŸŒˆ!!
    πŸ’ŒπŸ’Œ

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    1. I dooooo! I have 3 that I keep in my bag that no one doth toucheth! Actually I don’t think anyone knows they’re there or they would be gone πŸ€” Thank you so much, I’m thinking I’ll need a big umbrella at this point! Wee 🌧🌧🌧

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  9. I have a birthday approaching too. I like your idea of letting go of the old book and starting a new one. Even if just a metaphor, it’s powerful.

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    1. Oh nice, Happy early birthday to you! Thank you so much! It dawned on me today that I need to leave it behind while I am there. And I think I am okay with that now. πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

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  10. Happy Birthday. Last year on my 45th I took myself on a road trip to the coast. I made some long overdue hear connections with my sister, I saw an old friend that loved me long, long, long before I could even consider loving myself, I had a quick visit with a long lost cousin but most importantly I travelled alone. I was almost entirely following my heart for the 3 days. I walked for hours on a beach and picked more rocks than I could carry. I spent time with an unusual choice of a person to spend time with AND we played exact dynamics from 30 years earlier… to a tee blaring a loud stereo back at me. Mirroring my self and old wounds.
    On my way home I stopped at a popular hiking area and it was raining so it was quiet. I hiked for two hours until I was drenched from the rain. But I was warm and the sun came out and the way it sparked through the droplets in the sky blew my mind WIDE open. I was so elated and inspired I thought I might die!!! Lol
    I should stop. BE SO happy to be alive. Your life and mind is going to blow so far open and you gonna LOVE everything that happened and I dare say… those poor choices, the hardest days … your heart will melt all around them.
    Just saying.
    Ummmm I mean Happy Birthday mate!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank youso much! That sounds like an amazing experience. And see, I so love going alone because I like being by myself. It’s a totally different process than having kids hollering and being on ‘the wifi’s’ and dogs and chaos. Or fitting to anyone’s schedule. You can take everything in so much more fully ALONE!

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      1. It is a gift I would have given myself many times over in my years with young children. I think…. I have only done it 3-4 times…. for that long.
        Ps I caught your β€œshe’s a bleeder” comment out of corner of my eye and thought it was your response to this. Lol

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        1. Hahah, yeah when bunnies bleed they bleed big 😲

          I find the favors I’m allowed to call in for babysitting in reality are not that plentiful so…usually ‘getting away’ these days means going somewhere with “the wifi’s” that accepts dogs πŸ˜’

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          1. I remember those daysπŸ’›not easy times.

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      2. Pss only 41!!! Jus a child son!!! Lol

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  11. Alone time is soooo good – and β€˜portant too, for recharging the old batteries and plugging in new ones. Happy birthdat tramping, Sam πŸ€—πŸ’–

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    1. Thank you so much! I was thinking of heading up towards that forest canopy FINALLY! That may be the ticket although waiting until everything *actually* blooms here is probably a better bet πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Look at all the pretty sticks!

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  12. I woke up at 4:30 this morning, cursing the fact that it was so damn early. But I stepped outside just now, and my attitude shifted into gratefulness. For the solitude. For the sounds of nature around me. Hope you get some sunny days to enjoy that birthday!

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    1. Thank you so much πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€— So are you guys going to be further out in the new place as far as traffic and eyeballers and noise?…further from…a Target?! 😱

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      1. Yes! It’s only a few miles from where we are now, but it feels much further. Deeper in the woods, for sure. But still be living where I’ll be surrounded by pasture. There are NO trees on the house site, which makes me a little sad, but I won’t miss cleaning up after all of the oaks and pines that are in my current yard.

        And yes, (clutching pearls) a little further from Target! And general civilization. And closer to relatives. Which could go either way in terms of good or bad! Ha!

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        1. You will save so much money! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ But…a little bit of solitude is priceless in itself.

          Plant some trees when you move in and mark all the new years!

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  13. Happy Healthy Birthday Sam! May the coming year be filled with all the goodness your heart can hold. β™₯

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    1. Thank you, Janie! For once I really know it will πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

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      1. Yay! That’s great to hear! Cheers!!! β™₯

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  14. Escaping to nature is good for the soul. Have a nice peaceful birthday. Looking forward to reading all about it.

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    1. Thank you so much πŸ€— It didn’t quite go to plan but I did get some nice family time instead!

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  15. I’m excited for your journey. I hope everything you have planned happens. You deserve it. ❀

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    1. ❀Thank you 😒 I’m starting to be convinced that plans are a cosmic hawhaw. BUT…I’m still glad I changed this particular plan. During a snowstorm? Sure! But I found out what I look like in a 3X Carhartt πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Looked like I was wearing a bathrobe to the game πŸ˜’

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      1. You’re welcome! Plans *are cosmic. I’ve *been convinced. I am so glad you did also. I hear a different sort of happiness in you when you are with your Chicago Family. It’s just so sweet. I know you’re happy, but……you know what I mean. OMG! I am so glad you wore the coat. I was wondering…in that SNOW! (SMH side eye). πŸ˜‰

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        1. I more meant life likes to watch you make “plans” then…hawwhaww when you’re sitting there wondering what the hell happened! 😭😭😭 Those coats are warm no joke. I don’t call him Big Nick for nothin!

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          1. I know what you mean. Most of my life plans had plans of their own.😐I keep thinking of those thick coats you find from the tractor store ….that men always wear with those plaid lined pants…sometimes suspenders even😁.

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  16. Happy birthday! It’s been lovely getting to know you through your words. I relate to so much of it. From the mess to the message, right?

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    1. Thank you so much! Mostly the mess but yes! That is all part of the bigger picture πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

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  17. Hoping your time provides the nourishment your soul is craving, and all your birthday wishes come true! 🍰🎈

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    1. I had to push back time for me, but it was well spent with family I haven’t seen in forever πŸ€— Thank you so much!

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  18. I’m excited for you and for this time to care for yourself and renew healing practices. This phrase is so insightful: Pain does not happen overnight. It builds as it attaches to your vulnerabilities.”

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    1. Thank you, Shelly! And for understanding πŸ€— I am still looking to make time for solitude, I took instead some reflection time with family. It all works together towards the goal of wellness!

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  19. Pain builds as it attaches to your vulnerabilities. That is a lot to think about. Thank you for the prompt.

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    1. Thank you for your understanding in this thought πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

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  20. Happy belated birthday. Glad you spent time with family, and hoping you can find time for yourself now. I just spent 3 days on my own in Florida. OK, I was taking care of a friend’s dogs, and they were needy, but needy dogs are totally different than needy people! Glad you are still planning on some get away time for yourself.

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    1. Thank you! They totally are πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚and so ‘dern grateful for a caretaker when their owners are gone. No dogs ever loved me so much as two dachshunds I used to housesit with!

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