Simplicity is so very different than what it used to be. My needs, so very different. The needs of my children…so different. So new each day. Our reality so different. Ever changing. So new. I have learned to grasp the loveliness in this unknown. Not to be frightened.
The overstimulating, overwhelming subliminal and chaotic outline running through the days of my, then, equally chaotic mind has softly burnt out over time. Slowly, that I hardly noticed. I stand here peacefully, now, glad for it’s stark absence. It has left a path in it’s ashes that I am not afraid to follow on to the ground ahead.
My days no longer overlap my nights. There is a clean and clear distinction. I no longer destroy myself over another underneath this world in darkness. There is purity in my heart and who I live for on a bright and present plane where I am welcome and needed. There is no longer tortuous replay of cruelties in my head. I am aware of what I did and did not deserve. Consciously, I will rise above it all.
As I clear space for new blessings in my life, I can acknowledge what is done. What is gone. Let myself grow away from what is old and painful. Accept what was not real as well as what was never, ever going to be. I will be motivated, instead, by what I wish to see in my children’s future. Not operate from the cold place of past abuse. I can now acknowledge the purpose of my losses so I never let them be in vain. They will not go to waste for anyone who has not chosen my or my children’s lives. No one I love dearly will ever be buried under memories of someone who never cared for me. And did not take care with me. There will never be space for this again.
I have allowed my life to change me through these years. But not for the worse. For that, I can be grateful. I have allowed my life to show me my meaning here, time and again. For that, I can be grateful. I have allowed my life to grow around me as I find my way. For that, I am grateful. May it all continue as we hold strong together. I will not lose sight of any gift I have been given.
Simplicity has been dreadfully complicated as I have searched for and failed finding what it means for us. But I am no longer fearful of leaving my past. No longer fearful of what is ahead. There is no longer a reason. Because there is no longer space. I have left room only for life and beauty surrounding me. I am unsure, but I am no longer fearful.
We will never know what comes next. Know that much. But there is also much to love in the unknown. And it is all beautiful. I am allowing myself to embrace it fully for the first time with open eyes and a light heart. And heal in ways healthy for me. Finally. Present. Finally. For all this, I am grateful.