Happy Afternoon, WordPress Friends. I’m going to make my last post now as school lets out early tomorrow, thus beginning summer break for my girls and I. We are all mapped out for a smooth three months and I’m looking forward to enjoying our time together for the first summer in years.
The days will come and go. Time does not. As they say, the years are short but the days are long. I’m not sure which part of that speaks loudest to me in my here and now. But, I have missed a lot. And it’s all okay. We can only start from where we are. God willing, we start exactly where we are. And nowhere else. This is nothing if not a message to myself to remember.
People can grow. We can change for the better. We can be open to understanding our own mistakes and be genuinely repentant. We can listen with open hearts to what we have long closed our ears to. Perhaps vice versa. We can be sorry for acting out in times of indescribable pains and fear. We can care for that personal shame tenderly. Learn from it. We can learn. We can change. But we will always hold awareness that a part of us will forever be missing. That never stops. No matter the beauty ahead in new or unknown. It was all mapped out. And it is okay.
Here, I have learned that I can be comfortable and confident in my own life and skin again. Being open about my challenges and without being shamed by anyone. Most importantly to me, I have relearned it all without a vice in the world. This was a process that I do still struggle with being open about. When we happen upon our fiercest battles in life, we tend to arm ourselves. I did that the wrong way in order to survive. And in order to face those battles. It has been a long road in learning I can face my battles unarmed again as I always had before. I am so sorry. So very, very sorry. I have to forget and forgive myself that time I knew no other way. It is too painful. But I am here now, as I have been for so long, to be taken as I am, unarmed, for the rest of my days. I am terrified but know also I am proud to have withstood and overcome all I have with clean blood.
I have quietly settled into my place and my role in life again. Grateful every moment for circumstances that pushed me towards these discoveries. It often doesn’t matter who or what pushed you to be better. Or how it happened. It is a simple blessing, nonetheless, that you ever had a reason to get better to begin with. It was all mapped out I suppose. I have learned to be thankful, even for that which I was forced to let go.
I am looking ahead to the upcoming schoolyear and getting back to my own classroom and comfort zone. I have these three months to prepare my curriculum for my newest young leaders and the introduction of a Student Bridge peer counseling program that I am over the moon about. It has been my ultimate labor of love for over a year now. And will no doubt hold the honor of my most fulfilling personal reward.
This page has meant so very much to me. It is a direct line from my mind, heart and soul in more ways than I feel I could ever make known. Through much change it has been my savior. In these last few months, my health is getting the better of me, and I am needing to take life slow for the first time. As it comes. And accept that I can not do more than I can do. Acceptance has been the difficulty but I am adapting, as I have adapted before. I won’t let it prevent me from continuing to strengthen my faith and make future plans for myself and my family. I have a grandson arriving in November to lovingly prepare both my home and my heart for. So nothing is, has been or will ever be without purpose. I know that. And I know for now, I need to take my time. To be present and well. I have much hope for the future. And it is all beautiful.
All my best to you, my friends. From my heart, I thank you so much for your care and understanding over the last two years and allowing me this sacred safe space in a time of unsurety, fear, heartache, healing and great happiness. And thank you to those of you who allowed me to be a part of your days and shared your friendship and words with me. In my world that I truly open to so few, these are simple but priceless treasures.