I guess I was never quite sure exactly what you were saying to me in those five minutes I was allowed. Or what I was actually being accused of. Most importantly, why you never came to me with it. Why you went behind my back instead of asking anything honestly. Why that was okay. Why you viewed me so far beneath you and talked to me like I was trash. Why you felt you had that right. Why you weren’t willing to answer my questions. All of my Why‘s. All of my How Could You‘s. Why I no longer mattered. Why you were responsible for nothing. But I do know I kept my promise to you. Because I had to. It was a promise I made for some peace. But I kept it. No questions asked.
I miss my daughter. Not the trusty little mess-making, analytic one who always has a smile on her face…the other one. The one who is overly confident and scared to death of the life ahead of her, all at the same time. The one who spent years raising herself in a dysfunctional household. The one who would hold my hand even as a teenager. The one who used to hate me for my hangovers and unnecessary sharp tongue. The one who stewed in constant quiet fury over coming second to another woman. The one who depended on me. The one I disappointed. Continue reading ““I Didn’t Know What to Say””
In each small step we take forward, whether with full purpose for another, or self serving, we will find bits of what we truly are. And who we are. We can sort our own unbending reality from that which has been projected onto us. In that middle ground, somehow finding our strengths and the boundaries we’re able to draw from, as well as faults and long necessary improvements to be made. That is our hope of direction. That’s finding direction. And trying again. Continue reading “28 Steps on Calvary Hill”