The Bigger Picture

There’s a knot in my throat I don’t care for today. The kind where I stare at my hands and figure I can go one of two ways. A process that goes into hours. Upon hours. Things are good. But, no…they aren’t. And I feel that knot flutter in between my chest. My stomach. Back to the throat. Which is sometimes more appropriate than others. There’s always going to be a thing.

It’s always going to be a thing.

I’m not naive. By any stretch. There’s a lot I leave out here…

How I grew up. Things I’ve done. Where I’ve been and who I’ve been with. What I believe. And what I don’t. My opinions on most things. I’ve got plenty. Most of which I know aren’t battles to be fought. The things that are often what keep us divided. The things that keep two people apart. Which isn’t anything I’ve ever been interested in. Because there’s always more to people beneath the battle. And that’s the part I want. So I leave a lot out.

I’ve tried to be open about my insecurities. As open as I can be. But there are realities that fill those files that I can’t be open about. Which is it’s own reality. A division. And proof that whether things are unsaid. Implied. Imagined. Misunderstood, or said with all the conviction of a courageous and outspoken leader. There will always be things that divide us. Whether we want it or not. Acknowledged, admitted or not. Whether there is an otherwise sturdy bridge between the two places or not.

I’m not naive. To the world around me. Which is exactly why I choose to live in my own. Not due to ignorance or lack of admittance. It’s personal choice for the way I like to live my life and my own freedom to nurture relationships. The way I choose to see or accept people. That’s my world. And not because I’m blind otherwise. I’m woke to a hell of a lot of things I don’t talk about. Have been for a long while. But that’s not the part I want. So I leave a lot out.

Because what I want will always be beneath that battle. Not in it. That’s not who we are.

I’m hurting something awful today. But it will pass. And I’m still not going to change.



Even Though

My perspective on love has not changed. I don’t believe that Love is a dirty word. Nor do I believe that my love is some filthy disease to be caught by somebody. If I were to let myself be convinced of that by someone who had no feelings for me, I would be living in a well-deserved hell for the rest of my life.

Continue reading “Even Though”

A Day in the Life, and Not on the List

I went to drop my youngest off at gymnastics camp this morning. And her name was nowhere on the list. I can’t know who else was missing, but in 40 names, hers was not there. The kids already present were screaming, bouncing off the walls in a small enclosed area, and climbing windowsills, while a few male high school aged counselors stood by and advised them against their antics while everyone else found their place. Continue reading “A Day in the Life, and Not on the List”

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