Take a Second

When someone reaches out to you, do you know what it sounds like. Do you know what that looks like. What it feels like. What to do…do you do anything. Does it matter.

There are some who don’t speak for the sake of reaping compliments, or forming attachments by handing them out. Ego padding. Simply making their opinions known.

Some speak for commonality. Solidarity. Support. And understanding. Maybe a little hope. Maybe the relief of letting go of a burden. Maybe acknowledgment of being human. Having a voice. Finding someone like themselves. Maybe they speak in order to help others.

Taking the ‘risk’ of sharing is not required to be terrifying in order for it to be valuable. Or meaningful. Or real. But, for me you can be damn sure it’s guaranteed that risk is terrifying.

The risk you’ll be a bore. Or judged. The risk you’ll be assigned no value, good or bad. Dismissed as an outsider. The lure of the Inner Circle never quite leaves us, right. The risk you’ll be mistaken. That you’ll anger someone. Or be forgotten. Spinning.

Have things gotten so superficial between humans. Do we really not want to know each other. Or feel each other. Is it indifference. Have that many bonds been toxic. Or is that simply what we want. Because it’s easy. Tell me I’m fantastic. I’ll tell you you’re fantastic. And now we’re stuck like glue. Fragile and cheap, at best.

We have all had moments when we wanted to mass shout Help me! Anyone…just help me. See me. Somebody. Maybe we did, and no one heard. Maybe you were seen, and no one said a word. Maybe you saw it happening to someone else, and said nothing.

We just watch each other fucking struggle?….and figuratively keep scrolling. But that’s the condition. 

Reach. Out. Listen.

Exchange comes cheap these days. But connection does not.

Communication is not a throwaway. When someone speaks to you, they’re giving you space in their life. For a reason. For that moment. It may be for friendship. For knowledge or support. Caring. Unity. Pain and fear. Or just a healing laugh. Either to give or receive. And it matters. All of it matters. 

Sam

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The Bigger Picture

There’s a knot in my throat I don’t care for today. The kind where I stare at my hands and figure I can go one of two ways. A process that goes into hours. Upon hours. Things are good. But, no…they aren’t. And I feel that knot flutter in between my chest. My stomach. Back to the throat. Which is sometimes more appropriate than others. There’s always going to be a thing.

It’s always going to be a thing.

I’m not naive. By any stretch. There’s a lot I leave out here…

How I grew up. Things I’ve done. Where I’ve been and who I’ve been with. What I believe. And what I don’t. My opinions on most things. I’ve got plenty. Most of which I know aren’t battles to be fought. The things that are often what keep us divided. The things that keep two people apart. Which isn’t anything I’ve ever been interested in. Because there’s always more to people beneath the battle. And that’s the part I want. So I leave a lot out.

I’ve tried to be open about my insecurities. As open as I can be. But there are realities that fill those files that I can’t be open about. Which is it’s own reality. A division. And proof that whether things are unsaid. Implied. Imagined. Misunderstood, or said with all the conviction of a courageous and outspoken leader. There will always be things that divide us. Whether we want it or not. Acknowledged, admitted or not. Whether there is an otherwise sturdy bridge between the two places or not.

I’m not naive. To the world around me. Which is exactly why I choose to live in my own. Not due to ignorance or lack of admittance. It’s personal choice for the way I like to live my life and my own freedom to nurture relationships. The way I choose to see or accept people. That’s my world. And not because I’m blind otherwise. I’m woke to a hell of a lot of things I don’t talk about. Have been for a long while. But that’s not the part I want. So I leave a lot out.

Because what I want will always be beneath that battle. Not in it. That’s not who we are.

I’m hurting something awful today. But it will pass. And I’m still not going to change.

Sam

“A Winter’s Day”

It’s been a hectic week and I have mixed feelings about the fact that I haven’t had much to post. There have been times in my past where I was hurting so bad that I needed to get a lot out, consistently. And times where I was so full of the joy in my days that I wanted to share that, too. I’m happily somewhere in the middle of a pleasant adjustment period right now and my thoughts are level.

Continue reading ““A Winter’s Day””

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